Blood Brothers
by Willful Redhead
Summary: Brian finds living under Adam's shadow a difficult burden to bear.
1. Chapter 1

Prologue - March

Hannah McFadden stood at the front door and waited. It took some time for a tall, familiar figure to emerge. He opened the screen and seeing her, shook his head. He glanced behind him and stepped out onto the small porch.

"Why are you here?" His voice was gruff and unfriendly.

"No kiss?" She asked.

He sighed. "Look, Hannah, this has nothing to do with you. It can't be fixed, okay? I know you want . . ." He glanced away from her. "Look just go home, alright? Take care of the other boys."

"Nothing to do with me? He's broken-hearted and so are you. I haven't once bought that damn tough-guy act of yours. What about me? Huh? You just leave. What am I supposed to tell Guthrie? What am I supposed to tell myself?" She stood with one hand on her hip staring up into his dark eyes.

"Guthrie is nearly fourteen years old! He doesn't need babying!" He shook his head in frustration. "Why'd you have to come here? Why can't you just leave it alone?"

She didn't hesitate but put her hands on his arms and peered up into his face, "Because you're my brother, Brian. Because I love you."

"Go home, Hannah. Take care of Adam, forget about it. I'm fine. I don't need . . ." His voice grew harsh and he pushed her hands away. "It's ridiculous! I'm twenty-seven years old! I've got a right to my life! It's about time I left home and made my own way. I'm sick to death of that damn ranch! You've got it under control." He turned his back on her ready to go back inside.

"You do have a right to your own life and you have carried it long enough. But not like this, Brian. Don't leave like this. I know you fellas can work it out. Please."

He didn't turn around but said simply, "I'm sorry, Hannah. I am, but I can't . . ." He paused thoughtfully. "But it has nothing to do with you, okay. I don't want you thinking that you stirred anything up. We are all really luck that you came, and it makes this easier knowing they have you too. This is an old, old fight. Sometimes I think it goes all the way back to the cradle." He glanced at her then. "Thanks for coming out. Thanks for trying. I appreciate it, Sis. I really do." He stepped inside the darkness of house. "I'll send word to you." Then the door closed and she was left alone on the porch feeling the sting of a cold March wind that promised rain.


	2. Chapter 2

_Two months earlier . . ._

Brian McFadden paused in his work and wiped at his brow. It was a cool January day, but sweat poured off of him. He'd been working at it for hours now.

"Try it now!" He yelled to Daniel who stood about forty feet away at the make-shift generator the two of them had rigged. "Is it working?"

"Looks like it!" Daniel said, waving his arms in victory. He strode over to where his older brother stood. "Man! I thought we'd never get it running!"

"Well, looks like I'm still good for teaching you a couple things, yet, little brother!" He ran a hand over Daniel's hair good-naturedly.

"Yeah, well maybe you can teach me how to manage Adam when you explain _why_ we had to pump out this pen." Daniel said with a laugh.

"I'm thinking we let Crane tell him." Brian said rubbing his chin.

"Poor Crane!" Daniel laughed. "Think it's safe to leave it? I gotta get changed. I got practice tonight and I promised Evan I'd drop him off in town."

"Yeah, I'll come back and check on it later. Come on."

They walked back to the house together in matched, easy strides. Truth be told, Brian wasn't looking forward to talking to Adam about anything that had happened today. His brother had a notoriously short fuse, but lately his anger seemed instantaneous. They'd all been tiptoeing around him for the last few weeks. Just last night, he'd completely lost his temper at Ford.

"Who left this out?" Adam asked, standing in the kitchen and holding a jug of apple juice.

"Oh, sorry." Ford said sheepishly. "I was getting a drink and then the phone rang and I . . ."

"What the hell! You ought to be smart enough to put a jug of juice away! It's probably ruined and that's money down the drain! You think we've got money to burn? Huh?" He was clearly furious.

"Adam," Hannah said quietly from where she stood washing dishes with Brian.

"No! Don't step in for him! He was irresponsible. And what? She's supposed to pick up after you, like some damn maid?"

"I'm sorry." Ford said softly his bright eyes brimming with tears. "I'm sorry, Hannah."

"That's okay, honey." She glanced at her husband and sighed. "Go on and do your homework."

He nodded and left the room without looking at his oldest brother's face. Hannah met Brian's eyes, and putting a soft hand on his arms said, "Brian?"

"Yeah, I got him." He said with a wink at her. "Don't worry, Sis."

As he left the room, he heard her say softly, "Adam, you can't blow up like that. He doesn't understand. Listen, honey . . ."

He found Ford sitting alone on the front porch, one of the few places where a McFadden could be alone.

"Hey, partner." He said sitting on the step beside him.

"I'm sorry about leaving the juice out."

Brian laughed. "Yeah, that's the biggest problem in our lives - you leaving the juice out!" He reached out, putting an arm around his brother's shoulders. "Adam's just grumpy. It's gonna pass."

"He's been grumpy for weeks now." Ford said. "He chewed Guthrie out yesterday for riding his bike too close to the flowers."

"Yeah. Adam's got . . ." He glanced down at his younger brother. "There's stuff he deals with that we don't know about, and sometimes it gets to him. Okay?"

"Yeah." Ford said with a sigh. "At least I'm graduating. I can help more."

"We aren't talking about this again. You are going."

"I don't know if I want . . ." Ford began the argument they'd been having for weeks now.

"Yes, you do. You want _very much_ to go, but you are too self-sacrificing to admit it. _Both_ you and Guthrie will be college men. I mean, it Ford. _This_ I will yell about!"

"Yeah, I guess." Ford sighed.

"Go on and do your homework." Brian said. "Don't worry about Adam. Sometimes, he's just a jerk." He grinned at Ford who nodded. "He doesn't mean to be, but he is."

He watched Ford lumber up the stairs, amazed again that his "little" brother was now a half inch taller than him. He sighed wondering what to do about Adam.

He _had_ been losing his temper on just about everyone and everything. It was the worst it had ever been. Things had been so much better since he'd married. Hannah had a calming influence on him, and she was one of the few people who could talk him down from one of his flash rages.

Of course, she could set him off like nothing else, too. In fact, Brian knew that Hannah was the exact reason that Adam's temper had been so short lately - not because she'd been fighting with him though, but because of the baby.

No one knew about _this_ pregnancy. He supposed they kept it quiet because of how badly things had gone the first time. The only reason he knew about it was because he found her out by the barn three weeks ago, crying. He hadn't known what to do. Crying women made him nervous in general, but Hannah crying seemed to slice him in half.

"_Hannah?" He stepped quietly closer to where she stood leaning against an empty stall._

"_Oh!" She turned around wiping her eyes quickly. "I didn't hear you."_

"_I'm sorry." He hesitated. "I didn't mean to . . are you alright?"_

"_Yes, I . . ." But her eyes filled again with tears._

"_Hey, Sis, it's okay." He said wrapping an arm around her and she turned her face into his to shoulder, crying harder. "It's okay. Want me to find Adam?"_

"_No! I can't!" She looked up and met his eyes. "Can you drive me into town?"_

"_Ye . . .es." He hesitated. "I think maybe you should . . ."_

"_I just need a lift into town, please." She looked up him with giant tear-filled eyes._

_Ah, hell, he thought. "Alright."_

_They rode in silence and she wiped at her eyes, one hand resting on her stomach._

"_You gonna tell me?" He asked glancing at her._

"_Later." She said turning away from his gaze and staring out the window. "I need to keep it together just now."_

"_Where are we going?" He asked her._

"_Dr. Meade." She said softly. _

_He followed her into the small medical office and they immediately ushered her in back. He wasn't sure what she wanted him to do, but flopped down in a chair in the waiting room which was thankfully empty. The downside to living in a small town, was everyone always wanted to know everything about your life._

_After about forty-five minutes, Sandra came out to him. They'd dated a few years back, and he was hoping she wasn't still holding a grudge._

"_She should be out in a few minutes. I called over the prescription to the pharmacy. You can go pick it up now, if you want."_

"_Yeah. . ." He hesitated unsure of what it was all about._

"_She'll be okay. She just needs to take it easy. Where's Adam?"_

"_He went to check the stock." He rose slowly, knowing he should go pick up the prescription, but wanting to ask about thirty questions._

"_I feel bad for her. She must be broken-hearted. Twice." She looked at him compassionately. "Did Adam know?"_

"_Ye . . .ah." Brian said slowly. Twice? "I . . .they talk about everything."_

"_Well, there's no permanent damage. It will just take time. I know they'll have a baby someday."_

_Baby?_

_Ah, hell._

_The drive home she was quiet and he was unsure what to say._

"_They told you." She said softly._

"_Yeah. Adam knew?" He asked her._

_She said nothing, her eyes filling again with tears and nodded her head._

"_I'm really sorry." He said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I'll get you settled upstairs and then ride out to him. I'll switch places with him so he can come home to you."_

"_Thanks, Brian." She sighed and the sad sound of it made him feel that he'd been punched._

"_You want me to tell him for you?" He turned to look at her._

"_I should . . ." She said as tears fell. "He'll be so . . ."_

"_Hey, you don't have to be superwoman, you know. I can do it. Let me. I wanna help and it's probably the only useful thing I can do." _

"_Thanks, Brian." She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I just don't understand . . .I was so careful."_

"_It isn't your fault. It's just one of those things. I'm really sorry." _

_Adam knew something was wrong as soon as he rode up to the where he and Crane were working on checking the stock. He rushed out to meet him._

"_What?" He asked reaching up and grabbing hold of the reigns of Brian's horse. "Who's hurt?"_

_Brian jumped down, glancing at Crane who had walked up beside Adam. Crane, who always seemed to be able to read situations, gave a nod at Brian and went back over to where he and Adam had been working._

"_It's Hannah." Brian said quietly, a hand on Adam's shoulder. "I just brought her home from Dr. Meade's." He met his brother's gaze as understanding dawned. "I'm really sorry, Adam."_

"_Oh." Adam said softly, his eyes already brimming with tears. "She must be so heartbroken." He looked down at his hands. "We found out about a month ago, but wanted to wait. She didn't want everyone to get their hopes up . . .ah, hell!" He turned and walked away from Brian who stayed where he was, unsure what to do._

"_What happened? Do you know? Is she okay?" He said suddenly coming back to where, Brian stood._

"_I don't know. I found her in the barn, and she was crying. She asked me to take her into town." He sighed. "I brought her home, and put her to bed. Then I rode out to you. Go on home. I'll stay and finish here. Go on." _

_Adam nodded. "Thanks, man. Thanks." _

"_Take Midnight." Brian said. "I'll bring Chief back."_

_Adam nodded taking the reins from Brian's hands. He jumped up onto Midnight and looked down at his brother. "Don't say anything, okay? It's bad enough she . . .She hates everyone feeling sorry for her, you know?"_

"_Yeah." Brian agreed. Adam nodded at him and pulling on the reins, he kicked Midnight in the flanks riding hard toward home._

_Crane walked up. "What's going on?"_

_Brian sighed. "I can't . . . another sucky day at the Circle Bar Seven." He met Crane's quizzical look. "It's just tuna fish, man."_

"_Okay." Crane said with a nod._

_Early on, they recognized that marrying a man who lived with his six brothers, put Hannah in pretty tough spot. Everyone knew about everything. She never really complained though, which made them all feel worse about the situation. They had decided, Brain, Adam, Crane, and Hannah to invent a code for things that were none of the brothers' business. _

"_We could just call it 'Sex'" Adam had suggested cheerfully._

"_That's not really that helpful." Hannah had said wryly. "Thanks anyway."_

"_Tuna fish." Crane said._

"_What?" Brian asked. _

"_Nobody in this house likes tuna fish. So if it is something between just you and Adam, you just tell us it is tuna fish. We'll leave it alone." Crane smiled triumphantly._

"_I don't know," Adam said grinning. "I like 'sex'!" He laughed._

"_I am aware." Hannah said with a raised eyebrow, but seeing both Crane and Brian's curious faces, added quickly, "Uh, uh, fellas - tuna fish!" She winked at them and went back to the laundry._

***7***

Brian gazed up at the stary sky, wondering what he was going to do about Adam. His temper wasn't getting any better, and the boys didn't understand. He wasn't surprised when he heard a soft footfall.

"Ford alright?" She asked sitting down beside him.

"He's okay - just confused and hurt." He glanced at her.

"He's not managing it well." She said softly. "I don't know how to . . .he's so protective and always trying to fix stuff. He can't fix this."

"Nope." He agreed. "When Adam was about eight, Crane had this pet bunny - Igor, and it got real cold one night. Igor was dead when Crane went out to feed him in the morning. Adam spent about half a day, trying to bring that stupid bunny back to life. I think he was convinced he could do it too."

"I can see him like that." She said thoughtfully, sitting beside him. "Maybe it isn't worth it. If it hurts him so much. It isn't like we are short on family."

He studied her thoughtfully, and then draping a long arm around her thin shoulders he kissed her forehead saying, "It's not like you to run away from things that scare you. 'Course, it isn't really my business. It's not like I really understand how it feels. I just know how sorry I am when _anything_ makes you sad."

"You understand plenty. That tough guy thing is just an act, Brian, and not a very convincing one." She said.

"Yeah, well, yours isn't too great either." Brian said and she leaned her head against his shoulder.

The screen door creaked open and they both looked up to see Adam silhouetted against the brightness of the house.

"Found a replacement?" He asked.

"Knock it off." She said looking up at him. "You need to go apologize to Ford."

"Already, did." He grinned at her.

"Smart man." She said smiling back. He stepped out onto the porch, leaning against the rail.

"I'm sorry, Brian. I'll get a handle on it." Adam sighed.

"No rush, brother." Brian said. "It's no small thing." He turned to Hannah, kissing her forehead one more time. "I can manage the boys." He rose but walked out to toward the barn not back inside the house.

"Thanks, Brian." Hannah said. "You've been . . ." Her voice was swallowed up in tears.

"Don't worry about it, honey. I've gotten pretty good at being second fiddle." He laughed and walked out to check on the sick heifer in the barn before going in for the night. He glanced back just as Adam who had moved to sit beside Hannah, leaned in close to kiss her. Brian sighed aching with sorrow, jealousy and loneliness.

He loved his sister-in-law. He really did, but she was a constant reminder that his life was permanently on hold - his entire existence a prop to hold his older brother up.

"Where you going?" Adam called out to him.

"Check on that cow, and maybe into town." He said frustrated.

"What for?" Adam pressed him further.

"Tuna fish." Brian called back with a bitter grin.


	3. Chapter 3

_January . . ._

Arriving home, Adam hadn't paused to put Midnight's saddle away but seeing Evan near the barn barked out, "Take care of Midnight!" And ignoring his brothers questions about why he'd come rushing home, took the front steps two at a time.

He pushed open the bedroom door and froze. She was asleep, her cheeks pink and her dark eyelashes glistened with tears still clinging to them. She lay in a ball curled up tight. He was always teasing her saying that she could curl up as tight as a roly poly. She looked tiny; like a little girl.

He sighed and quietly sat on the edge of the bed watching her. He felt a raw, dull ache wishing he had the power to make things right for her. She'd been so happy; had come to him with bright and shining eyes. Seeing her happy filled him with such a powerful joy. He didn't know that someone else's happiness could be a million more times powerful than his own.

Of course, the opposite was also true; nothing could shatter him like her sorrow.

Her eyes blinked open, and seeing him, she immediately smiled. It killed him whenever she did that. Always, whenever her eyes landed on him, she smiled; every time - since the day they'd met.

"Hey, sweetheart." He said softly scooting closer to her, and brushing the hair back off her forehead.

Her eyes filled immediately with tears, "Adam, I'm so . . ."

"Shh." He said, his hand brushing across her soft cheek. "Are you in pain? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." She said softly.

"Good." He said. "I'm sorry, honey." He sighed trying to think of something that would make it better. "I . . ."

"Dr. Meade said it just happens sometimes. He said that it is part of living in a modern world - in the past I wouldn't have even known that I was pregnant, but we can find out so early now that . . ." She sighed. "He said it didn't have anything to do with before. It just happened."

"Okay." He leaned forward kissing her lips. "Okay. You should rest, hon." He brushed the tears that spilled out with his thumb.

"Maybe it isn't something that is meant to be." Her voice was so small.

"Hey, now, it is just one of those things. Doc said so."

"It's not like we aren't parents already. You've already given me sons." She continued. "Maybe . . ."

"Hey, darlin' stop it, okay." He felt an unreasonable anger. "Stop it."

"I'm sorry." She said seeing that she'd upset him. "I'm sorry, Adam. I wanted to . . ."

"You don't apologize for this, girl - not now - not ever. This is you _and_ me. Ours." He leaned in so his face was just inches from hers. "And I wish I could fix it. I'd do _anything_ to fix it."

She sighed and reaching out with gentle fingers rubbed the worry lines that ran across his forehead. "I'm turning you into an old man before you turn thirty." She said trying to smile.

"Not you. The boys did that." He corrected her. "Is there . . . can I do anything?"

She shook her head, closing her eyes briefly and more tears squeezed out.

"Are you in pain?" He asked again.

"No." She said, but he knew it was a lie - she was in deep pain; it just wasn't physical.

"Is it okay if I put my arms around you?" He asked her feeling utterly helpless. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Yes." The word escaped from her like a gasping for air, and he kicked off his boots and climbed in beside her, wrapping his arms around her small body. She clung tightly to him, nestled against his chest. Looking down he saw that she was wearing his light blue henley and he was shattered with the memory of her last miscarriage. She'd put on his shirt then too, saying, "It's like having your arms around me all the time." It pained him to think that she'd come home alone today, and put his shirt on for comfort. He kissed her forehead a bubble of love and anguish welled up inside him that threatened to spill out in tears.

"I love you, Hannah Joy. I love you for always." He whispered wishing that words of love could heal her completely.

She said nothing - made no sound, but silently sobbed.

He had expected to fall asleep with her, but somehow he couldn't sleep. He kept his arms around her for a long time after she'd fallen asleep. Her anguish filled him with a rage that he didn't seem able to manage. After a time, he'd had to climb out of bed and do _something_.

He stormed downstairs to find his brothers gathered around in the living room. He glanced at the window and saw it was dark.

"What's going on?" Daniel asked him with concern.

"Hannah's . . ." He hesitated trying to get control of his emotions. "Hannah's sick and . . ."

"She's sick?" Guthrie's voice squeaked and his brothers laughed at him. His changing voice was their favorite entertainment.

"Knock it off!" Adam said angrily. "She's sleeping!"

"Okay." Daniel said. "Sorry." He glanced at his brothers. "She need anything?"

"No, I . . ." He hesitated. Part of him was still capable of reasonable thought. They had no idea. And it wasn't their fault she was so sad. He shook his head. "I'm . . .I'm gonna go fix that shed door. If she wakes, come and get me. Brian and Crane aren't back?" He longed for his co-parent brother to be here and take the burden of parenting off his shoulders for a few hours.

"Probably camp out tonight. It's already dark." Evan pointed out.

"Yeah, I guess." He turned. "Come and find me if she wakes."

"Sure, man." Daniel said.

He crossed the yard in long easy strides at a rapid pace. He turned toward the shed, and realized he'd brought no tools, wore no coat and hadn't even remembered to put his shoes back on. He stared up at the door which hung at a crazy angle, since one of Guthrie's goats had rammed it when it had escaped. The crooked door filled him with fury. He reached out and pulled it down with his hands tossing it to the ground. It felt good to destroy _something_ - if he couldn't destroy the things that hurt her. The wood was old and dry so when he slammed his fist into it, it crumbled. He didn't know how long he'd been standing in the dark, cold night slamming his fists into the old door when Brian had finally walked up to him. His brother reached out with a firm, yet gentle hand, pulling him back.

"Adam." Brian's voice was calm. "Adam!"

He stood blinking at his brother trying to remember where he was or what he'd been doing.

"Your hand's bleeding." Brian said gently, nodding at Adam's hand. "Let's go inside and get it cleaned up."

"What . . .I . . .I don't know what I was doing."

"Come on, man. Let's go inside. It's freezing. Where are your boots?"

"I don't know. I . . .I . . ." He looked down at his feet. "Upstairs, I guess. She wake up?"

"Yeah. Crane is fixing her some soup. Come inside, brother." He put a hand on Adam's shoulder, squeezing gently. "Come on." He followed Brian back into the house where his brothers all stood staring with wide eyes, looking frightened.

"Go on. Time for bed." Brian said to them. "Go on."

"Hey, Brian is everything . . ." Daniel began, but Brian shook his head. He turned to Adam. "Clean your hand before you go to her." He said to his older brother, as though he were Guthrie. Adam nodded and went upstairs.

"Dan'l," Brian said with a sigh. "You're gonna have to leave it alone, little brother. It's just some Adam/Hannah stuff, okay? Tell the other guys too. We need to give them time. You got troubles, come to me for a bit, okay?"

"Yeah, man. I just . . .can we help at all?" Daniel's face was a portrait of concern, and Brian smiled at him, proud of the men that he and Adam had raised.

"Yeah, you can help by not asking too many questions and by being really patient, and" He sighed, "Being sweet to Hannah, okay?"

"Okay." Daniel glanced up the stairs and they both watched Adam, with his hand wrapped in a towel, open the door and disappear inside his room.

Daniel glanced around at his brothers. "Come on, you heard Brian, bed. It's late anyway."

Brian smiled watching them all troop upstairs, knowing that they would respect his request. They were, all of them, good men. And they all loved Hannah and would do just about anything for her. He knew Adam was right about not telling them; they would all be crushed, but still, he wished . . . knowing would make understanding easier. _He_ had been terrified when he'd come home to find Adam, alone, barefoot in the dark night violently destroying the shed door with his bare hands, and he understood. He could only imagine how the other boys felt. He hoped they could all be patient.

He didn't understand that it was his patience that would be tested.


	4. Chapter 4

Brian McFadden contemplated the steps leading up to the main offices of the high school trying to determine just how many times he had been here. He hoped that _this_ time it would be for something other than a McFadden being suspended. He sighed and walked up the steps and into the office.

"Brian!" Mr. Fitzgerald greeted him with a smile. "Come in! Come in!" He ushered Brian into his office and gestured to a chair across from his desk. "I was expecting your brother, or his wife."

"They have some things to manage at home. If you look close at the paper work there are three names listed as guardians." He shifted uncomfortably. "The secretary didn't say why you needed to see me."

"Oh! The boys aren't in trouble! Is that what you were thinking!" Fitzgerald laughed. "No! We are starting our course planning for next term, and I wanted your input on Guthrie."

"Guthrie? His grades haven't slipped, have they?" Brian asked.

"No. His grades are wonderful. No, it's just that if he continues on the path he's started, he will complete all of our math courses by the end of tenth grade. He's already in a class with upper classmen, I just wasn't sure how to best proceed."

"Well, couldn't he just be finished with math?" Brian asked.

"He could, but he could also take courses at the community college. Your brother indicated that you hoped he would go to college - and we already have schools starting to inquire about him. His latest standardized tests were fairly impressive."

Brian rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Who would've known? He was always so scattered! Then he started bringing home all those A's."

"Sometimes it just takes time to fall into place." Mr. Fiztgerald offered.

"Or one good woman." Brian said.

"Pardon me?"

"Check your records, Mr. Fitzgerald. Guthrie began to improve half-way through his sixth grade year - right about the time my brother got married. When MIT comes knocking on this door to ask you about your wonder student, you make sure and let them know it was my sister that pushed him to work so hard." Brian sighed. "I don't think it would be a good idea for him to not take any math for his last two years of high school. I think it would make him rusty. Isn't math one of those things you should keep practicing?"

"I agree." Mr. Fitzgerald said. "So we'll go ahead and put him in Calculus for next term, and then see what options we have after that. Or should we wait and let Adam make the final decision."

"No," Brian shook his head trying not to be irritated with the fact that he was never quite seen as Adam's equal. "Adam doesn't need to be involved. Go ahead and set up Guthrie's schedule."

He didn't head straight back home, but later, wished he had. Instead he stopped off and poked around the mercantile, feeling restless. He glanced around the streets of his hometown wondering what it would be like to be in downtown New York on a Thursday afternoon, instead of Murphys, California.

He could tell something was wrong, as soon as he pulled up to the house. The barn door was open and he could see Ford hand-feeding one of the baby goats. It was homework hour, and the only reason Ford would be outside was to avoid something - or someone.

He stepped into the barn and glanced around, but it appeared that only Ford was there.

"Hey, no homework?" He asked.

"I'll do it later." Ford said angrily.

"Okay." Brian said. "You seem kind of tense. Something I can help you with?"

"Why is he so damn pig headed?" Ford asked, his blue eyes smoldering with anger. "He gets mad so quick and then won't back down!"

Brian sighed. "He's got a lot on his plate, Ford. It isn't easy running this place."

"He doesn't do it by himself. We all pitch in, and you and Crane are just as in charge. You don't blow up for no reason."

"Sure, I do." Brian said.

"No. You blow up if you've got a reason. Adam, he just loses his temper. It's been really bad lately." Ford sighed. "It's getting to the point where it will be _easy_ for me to leave for school. I'll be glad to go."

"Well, it might be worth it then." Brian smiled at his younger brother. "What happened anyway?"

"It doesn't matter." Ford sighed. "It can't be fixed just now. I mean, he was just angry. He blew up. He yelled. It's over. He won't say sorry. He won't mention it again. I just get mad sometimes. It's not like I don't appreciate all he's done for me, but . . .I wish he was more like you."

Brian looked up surprised. "What do you mean?"

"You talk more - explain things; even when you are yelling - you make sure we got it clear. I can't even figure what Adam's thinking, and he won't say. You have to drag it out of him!"

"Ford, he's not usually this bad - it's just . . ."

"Tuna fish, I know." Ford sighed. "It doesn't make it any easier. Whatever is going on, I hope it gets worked out fast. I don't know if I can reign my temper in. You keep telling me to be patient and I'm really trying Brian. But something is not right - Hannah's sad. I don't like it."

"Yeah," Brian agreed. "Me either." He considered Ford thoughtfully. "I sure do appreciate you trying though, buddy. It means a lot to me and if he were thinking clearly, it would mean a lot to Adam, too. And I know Hannah's noticed how hard you are trying."

"She's the reason I'm keeping my mouth closed. Whatever's wrong, I don't want to cause her more sorrow."

"You want to come back in?" Brian asked him.

"No. I'll finish feeding this one, and then go ahead and get my chores done - if that's okay."

"I'll cover for you." Brian said squeezing Ford's shoulder affectionately.

He was reluctant to climb the steps into the house. It was something he'd been feeling a lot lately - a reluctance to go home. It seemed there was always some problem or another that need his attention. It seemed he spent half his days either covering for Adam or running interference so no problems reached his oldest brother.

"Where you been?" Adam asked sharply as soon as he stepped inside.

"I had to manage some things in town." He said trying to keep his anger at bay.

"Are you hungry?" Hannah asked him. "There's a plate for you in the oven."

"What things?" Adam asked.

"Oh, I met with Mr. Fitzgerald about Guthrie's classes."

Adam swung around and glared at Guthrie. "You get in trouble?"

"Not that I know of." Guthrie said with a shrug.

"No, Adam. It was just some course planning stuff. Guthrie's already in advanced math, and Fitzgerald just wanted to let us know that he'll probably wind up taking some classes at the community college before he graduates."

"Oh." Adam said. "Okay." He stood his hands on his hips, a restless, ball of anger. "I guess I'll go see if Crane needs a hand." And he left abruptly. Hannah raised an eyebrow at Brian and with a weary smile she went back into the kitchen. He followed her in.

"Sure you aren't hungry?" She asked him without looking up.

"No thanks. So what was the big blow up?"

"Ford left the lower gate open." She sighed and turned to the dishes in the sink. "I'm sorry, Brian. I know that you are carrying more than your share these days." She turned the water on and began to wash the dishes. "I wish he'd . . . he won't talk to me about it, and I don't know how to . . ." She shook her head, and turned her attention to the dish in her hand.

Brian considered thoughtfully and then said, "You should have a dishwasher."

"What?" She turned around to stare at him.

"You should. You should have a dishwasher. You can buy one of those ones you hook up to the sink. It isn't that expensive. It's ridiculous you've got to stand at the stupid sink scrubbing dishes for forty-five minutes after every meal. You should have a dishwasher."

"Brian," She shook her head at him. "We've got a serious crisis on our hands, and you are distracted by the craziest things."

"He takes things for granted. He always has. He's got tunnel vision - only sees what's just ahead and mows down everything in his path." He saw her expression change. "No, I'm not being critical, I'm just stating a fact. I love him; I do, but he takes things and people for granted. And _you_ should have a dishwasher."

"We wouldn't be in this crisis if it weren't for me." She said quietly. "Don't make me into something I'm not."

"This isn't your fault, Hannah." He told her. "_You_ aren't blowing up at everyone."

"That's not how I avoid things."

"No, you smile and pretend to be alright."

"Brian, that's not . . ." She sighed. "It was easier when you were mad I was here. It was easier when you didn't like me."

"Well, that _is_ your fault." He grinned at her. "You shoudn't have been so damn sweet, Sis." He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a beer just as Guthrie came into the kitchen.

"Hannah, do you know where I put my backpack? I can't find it anywhere."

"Oh! I'm sorry. I moved it when I was vacuuming. It's next to the piano." She smiled at him. "You haven't said one word about the dance."

"Hannah . . ." Guthrie moaned. "I'm not gonna go if you are gonna keep bugging me."

"You better ask her before someone else does." Hannah warned him, and Brian laughed. She and Guthrie had been having this conversation for days now.

"If I ask her," Guthrie paused as Hannah clapped her hands joyfully. "If I ask her and we go - you have to promise not to chaperone."

"Guth! Come on! That's not fair!"

"Promise it, Hannah! Otherwise, I'll just stay home."

"And to think I saved you the last slice of pie! Guthrie you are so . . ."

"Hannah!"

"Oh, alright, I promise." She folded her arms in mock fury.

"Alright, then I will ask her, tomorrow." Guthrie grinned at her.

"Good. Go finish your homework and after you can have that pie." She smiled warmly at him.

"Thanks Mom." Guthrie blushed and with a wink at Brian darted out of the kitchen.

Brian, still smiling set his beer down and put an arm around Hannah who had tears in her eyes. "See, you do sweet crap like that, and who wouldn't love you?" He said to her kissing her forehead. "Go on, I'll do the dishes."

"No," She sniffed. "I can do them." She turned away from him and moved back to the sink.

"Stubborn." He said and turned to go out to see what he could do about Adam.

***R***

Adam and Crane were in the barn, and Brian glanced around to see if Ford was still there, but there was no sign of him.

"What's the good word fellas?" He asked cheerfully.

"Not much." Crane said with a sigh. "That tractor is trashed."

"Dan'l will work his magic."

"I don't think the good Lord Himself could bring that thing back to life." Crane sighed.

"I don't know, we've said that before - we'll see what he can do."

"Always throwing trouble for someone else to deal with." Adam said to Brian.

The words stung and Brian found himself completely speechless. His eyes grew wide, and his face reddened with anger.

"Hey, Adam . . ." Crane began.

"Never mind." Adam said with a shake. "We'll just have to dig into our savings." He sighed.

"I got some money I set aside." Brian said quietly.

"Yeah? Well, we'll see what we can do." Adam said, turning toward the house.

Crane watched him go with one eye on Brian. "Don't let it get to you. He's just been in full jackass mode. You sure you can't tell me about it?"

"I don't know. It starting to be a problem." Brian sighed running a hand through his hair.

"You are worn out man." Crane said. "I wouldn't want you to break their trust, but I could help out."

"You do help out." Brian said smiling at him. He reached out and squeezed his shoulder. "I'll check with Hannah, first, okay?"

***7***

Hannah found Adam in the garden pulling weeds. He glanced up at her. "Gonna have some winter cukes soon."

"I saw that." She said, leaning against the fence that bordered the garden. "Adam, it's getting to be a problem."

"Hannah . . ." He rose from where he'd been bent over and tossed a couple of weeds aside. "Listen, honey, I'm sorry I've been so . . ."

"It's not me you need to apologize to." She said. "You've been sweet as can be to _me_. It isn't fair to them and it is especially not fair to Brian."

"Brian can manage."

_He takes things for granted_.

"I know you don't want to talk about it." She said. "But what about the doctor you used to talk to? Maybe you should talk to her."

"Hey, it's okay." He wiped his hands on his jeans and moved closer to her. "It's not that big a deal."

"It is, Adam." She sighed and tears pooled in her eyes. "But I understand why you don't want to talk to _me_ about it." She cleared her throat willing herself to keep her emotions in check. "It's disappointing and it's scary because of what it might mean . . ."

"The doctor said it doesn't mean _anything_." His voice was fierce with anger. "Stop thinking like that."

"You are thinking it too, Adam. You are just too kind to say it to me." She reached out and rubbed his jaw, which was locked tight. "I love you, Adam and I am know you love me, but it doesn't change the fact that if I can't give you children," She waved away his protests. "If I can't give you children, it changes things."

He reached out to pull her into his arms, but she had already stepped away and was gone inside the house. He knew he should go after her. He knew she needed his reassurance, but he felt rooted to the spot - _because what she said was true_.

He _was_ afraid and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He _loved_ Hannah. He couldn't begin to explain or express how much he loved her. They'd been married just two years, but he couldn't remember any more how he had managed a life without her. He _didn't_ want to ever remember it, either. But this second miscarriage had thrown him for a loop.

He hated - _hated_ how much it hurt her. Every time he looked at her, he could see it - -the pain, just below the surface of her bright smiles. It wounded him; every time. And he was pissed. He'd never been so angry - that she should be hurt. He wasn't a man who expected justice from the universe - that ship had sailed long ago. He understood, better than anyone, that life was full of random and painful things, but this. He couldn't shake it. She was so wounded and he felt an unending and uncontrollable rage.

He understood that he was in trouble. He understood that he wasn't managing it well, and that it was hurting everyone around him. But somehow he couldn't stop it. Just like now, he knew that standing here and not going after her was causing her pain - was causing her more doubt. She was already fragile and unsure and yet . . . he stood rooted; a man in deep pain with no clear path before him. He knew if he didn't do something about it and soon - something terrible might happen.


	5. Chapter 5

A few days later, Hannah McFadden found herself with a few minutes to herself. She went outside to the old oak that had split decades ago by lightening. She sat down enjoying the cold evening breezes. She had always preferred winter and fall to the heat of summer. She was wrapped up in a thermal shirt and Adam's jean jacket. He teased her for stealing his shirts and jackets, but she knew deep down, he secretly like it. And when things were hard, wearing his clothes comforted her somehow - as if he were right there with her. She sighed lifting her face up to the cool winds that blew. It felt good across her skin. She smiled and looked around. It was deliciously quiet.

Living with seven men had its advantages - like the time that a strange man wandered up to wear she had been working in the garden. Without any warning at all she felt them all - there - standing behind her - a seven man wall of protection. She enjoyed her status as the only woman in the house. They used to all stand up whenever she walked into a room which had surprised her. It was so old-fashioned and respectful, but long about day six of being married she pointed out that they would spend most of their lives standing up if they kept up the tradition. Now, they only did it when they wanted to show her respect or to let her know they loved her; and they did. They loved her - even weary, cranky Brian. Both, Guthrie and Ford even called her Mom from time to time to show how they felt. Of course, hearing that name pained her now.

But there was also a downside to being the only woman in the house. It was noisy. All. The. Time. There were generally two brothers arguing most days, and sometimes it led to a wrestling match. It was pretty smelly, too. When she moved in, she declared martial law on the house and got _it_ clean, but convincing them to bathe more had taken a little bit longer.

They didn't understand her emotions, either. They tried. They all really, really tried to be sensitive to her, but sometimes their teasing went to far. She tried to not let it bother her, but sometimes it did. They were quick to apologize and genuinely felt terrible when it happened.

And of course, she and Adam _never_ had any privacy. _Never_. The boys knocked on their door at the worst possible times, and it seemed she never could just snuggle up and sit with her arms around her husband. If one of the brothers didn't wander through the room, a problem with the ranch interrupted them. She did not have a conventional marriage.

She often longed for her mother who had been lost to her years ago now. Especially after the miscarriages. She wondered if her mother had ever lost any babies, and now there was no way to ask. She longed to talk to another woman who would understand her moods, her anxiety about the future - would she ever have a baby? She had enjoyed when Sophie had lived next door, but Sophie never stayed anywhere long. She had somehow managed to meet a French man while living in one of the tiniest towns on the planet. She had moved to Paris just six months ago.

Hannah knew she could go into town and talk to one of her friends, but they only had two cars, and it would be so inconvenient for everyone. Besides, her friends might not understand. None of them had inherited six extra men when they'd married. It helped to get away from it all - from the house, the laundry, the brothers. She would sit out on the old oak and watch the sun sink and wonder what her mother would say about all of this. She wondered what Adam's mother would say about all of it. She was pretty sure her mother-in-law would have an opinion about the way her first born was behaving.

She sat on the old oak, hugging her legs to herself wondering what to do about Adam. In the weeks following her miscarriage, he had deteriorated into a grump. He barked at his brothers and was impatient with everyone, but the person he was hardest on was Brian.

Whatever imagined wrongs his brothers committed, Adam put the blame squarely on Brian's shoulders. Worst of all was the way that Brian simply took it - never arguing back. But Hannah could feel trouble - like a seasoned rancher could read the sky and know a storm was coming, she could read the brothers' moods - and sooner or later, Brian was going to reach his limit.

She turned her head at the sound of someone crunching through the leaves, and looked up to see Crane walking up to her from the meadow. She smiled, recognizing that he must have cut across the meadow from where he'd been visiting Elizabeth.

"Sent home early?" She asked him as he walked up to her.

"Well," He said sheepishly. "It was either stay the night or go right away." He blushed.

"You made an interesting choice." She said, happy for the distraction.

"I'm not a man for half-measures." He explained.

"It must be love then." She smiled up at him. She had known this for months now, and was just waiting for Crane to figure it out. She liked Elizabeth. Maybe her days of being a lone female were coming to an end.

"It is." He shrugged his shoulders, and then suddenly pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and handed her a small square of paper. It was an ad for a diamond ring. "What do you think?"

"I think it's beautiful." She reached up and rubbed his arm affectionately. "'When?"

"Her birthday is in two weeks." He considered her thoughtfully. "That would be a good time, don't you think?"

"Yes." Hannah smiled at him. "Congratulations Crane!"

"Oh, well. She hasn't said yes yet."

"She will." Hannah smiled and Crane sat beside her. "I'm happy for you. I like Elizabeth. Any girl brave enough to have dinner with us more than once is worth keeping around."

"You ought to know." He said. "Enjoying some peace and quiet? Or contemplating running away?"

"Peace and quiet." She said softly. They sat together in silence and she could feel Crane's eyes on her; concerned - loving. He was too polite to ask; to respectful of her, but she knew it would be better if he knew. He would worry if she didn't explain and he was already too burdened for a man his age. She didn't want to add to his stress.

"I was pregnant." She explained at last. She kept her eyes on the horizon and away from his, not able to manage the look of pity they no doubt held.

"Was." He said flatly. He sighed sadly. "I'd tell you how sorry I am, but I imagine you'd hate that."

"Adam's having a hard time. He doesn't like problems he can't solve."

"No, he does not." Crane agreed. He draped an arm over her shoulders. "Thanks for telling me."

"I didn't want the guys to be upset. It was so hard on everyone last time, and I can't . . ." She paused struggling. "I can't manage knowing I cause them hurt."

"You didn't cause anyone hurt, Hannah." Crane said gently. "We hurt because we love you so."

Hannah said nothing, leaning into his shoulder, feeling not just the warmth of his presence, but of his words.

"Love is a pretty dangerous thing." He said quietly. "We all know that, but it's worth whatever else comes your way." He kissed her cheek. "You're worth it."

"Crane." She said shyly, tears in her eyes.

"As for Adam, he's just angry. He doesn't manage sorrow well. He never has. Even before Mom and Dad, he struggled with it. Mama used to say that Adam had two moods - angry and happy - with nothing in between."

"I wish I could've met her." Hannah said wistfully.

"She would've loved you." Crane said. "You remind me of her. You look a little bit like her, but mostly it's the way you are. She was really tough, but so feminine too - just like you. And she wouldn't put up with the I'm-just-fine-worry-about-Adam act you are putting on just now." He met her eyes with a raised eyebrow.

"I don't know how I feel Crane. I'm worried about him. I'm worried about the boys. And I'm worried about the future."

"Adam loves you, Hannah. I've never seen him so content and happy."

"I know he does, but when he married me he was expecting everything that comes along with marriage - including children." She sighed.

"Did the doctor say that's not possible?" He asked gently.

"No, he didn't say that. I just worry. It's happened _twice_, Crane. Maybe it isn't meant to be, and that wouldn't be fair to Adam."

"You are _exactly_ like her." Crane said squeezing her shoulder. "You worry about everyone else. You keep talking about how Adam would feel, what about you?"

"I don't . . .let's talk about something else." She said abruptly.

"Hannah, don't . . ." Crane began, but she interrupted him.

"Crane, leave it alone." Her voice was tight, controlled and sharp.

"I just worry." He said.

"Well, don't." She said and he was surprised by her anger. He decided to drop it for now, not wanting to upset her.

"Do you work at being difficult or does it just come naturally to you?"

"I learned it from my brothers." She said with a smile and he shook his head at her.


	6. Chapter 6

_February . . ._

Hannah McFadden brushed the bangs out of her eyes with the back of her hand and scanned the horizon. It was surprisingly warm, and as she looked up at the bright blue sky, she recognized that she had forgot to wear a hat, again. She shook her head at her own foolishness and knew she was facing _another_ sunburned scalp. Adam would be irritated with her, and as he was easily irritated she hated knowing that this time he'd have good reason. She turned her attention back to the work in front of her.

They had all ridden up to The Tops where a bad storm had knocked down several trees and caused a great deal of destruction. They were cleaning the area where the cattle spent their winter. Adam hadn't wanted her to come along, but when he started to really argue with her, she simply put a hand on her hip and glared.

"Alright, you're right." He said relenting with a grin. "But take it easy won't you? _I already know_ you are tough enough to cowboy; you haven't got to prove it."

"Damn straight." She said reaching out and holding him by his chiseled jaw. She stood on tiptoe and kissed him and laughing he pulled her in tight and returned the kiss.

"I learned my lesson." He said to her.

"The hard way." She agreed.

"The only way for me." He shrugged his shoulders.

"That's becoming pretty clear."

"I thought we were getting stuff packed up." Brian said to them. "If this is turning into some kind of date, I got other stuff to do."

Hannah laughed. "Take it easy, there, cowboy. We're going."

"She distracted me." Adam said squeezing her hip and giving her cheek a kiss. "'Sides, since when are _you_ so eager to work?" His tone was joking but it cut Brian all the same.

"You saying I'm lazy?" Brian asked defensively.

"No, Bri." Adam said with a shake of his head. "Take it down a notch, okay?" He released Hannah and disappeared into the darkness of the barn.

Brian sighed and glancing at Hannah's worried face said, "Sorry. I'm touchy, I guess."

"It isn't like you don't have reason." Hannah told him giving his arm a squeeze before heading up to the house to help Crane with organizing and packing the food.

Adam's digs at Brian were near constant now. He'd backed down on his blow ups at the brothers for the most part - only losing his temper over actual mistakes instead of perceived ones. When mistakes were made he was neither patient nor quick to forgive. It was only a slight improvement for the brothers. Brian, on the other hand, was another issue. For whatever reason, he was receiving the brunt of Adam's misplaced anger. He made negative and cutting comments toward Brian on a regular basis - so much so that Crane had stepped in and said something to him - which had resulted in shouting and slamming doors.

Brian was equally nervous and relieved that Hannah was coming along. He knew she might be able to calm and soothe Adam if something came up, but also knew that a storm was brewing. He really didn't want her to witness what felt like might erupt into an all-out brother war. He was never proud of his temper, and having his sister-in-law witness it would only bring an added layer of shame.

There first day was proving to be fairly peaceful. There was plenty of work for everyone to do which provided plenty of distraction. Hannah and Guthrie were tackling the brush closest to camp while Brian and Evan covered the area to the north of camp and Adam and Crane to the south. Daniel had remained behind because he had already agreed to work on a couple of cars in town and his band had a gig for the next two nights. Ford was also at home, looking over the animals there. Brian was relieved to be working with Evan and not Adam. He hoped that a fight could be avoided.

He had doubled back to camp because he needed a better set of clippers. He glanced over at Guthrie who was tackling a huge branch. He was always amazed to see his youngest brother so tall and strong. He shook his head remembering Guthrie tagging along beside him wearing footie pajamas. He looked across the area and saw Hannah working away. He crossed over to her.

"You know, you are never gonna convince anyone that you are a rancher's wife if you can't remember to wear a hat." He said to her.

She paused in her work to look up at him, shading her eyes with her hand. "Well, I remembered to bring the food, so I guess, there's something to be thankful for."

"Here." He said putting his hat on her head. "How you two doing?"

"Alright. Wonder boy is taking care of all the heavy stuff for me." She grinned. "I'm just going behind cleaning up the brush. It's a pretty easy gig."

"It's ranching, darlin' ain't nothing about it that's easy." He sighed. "I gotta get back. There's a huge tree down up near the creek. I need some serious tools." He turned from her and was digging through their supplies when Adam rode back into camp.

He hopped off his horse, holding his left hand and seeing Brian asked, "Why are you back here?"

"Oh, there's a big tree down, I need to get . . ."

"Too much work for you?" Adam interrupted.

"What did you do to your hand?" Hannah asked walking up to him, and reaching for it.

"Cut it on some barbed wire." He said.

"Should've worn your gloves." Brian said sharply, ashamed of how happy seeing Adam make an error made him feel.

"You should be working." Adam said equally sharp.

"I am working. Lay off it, Adam!" Brian felt an anger burning.

"Let's clean up that cut." Hannah said trying to lead Adam away and avoid the inevitable.

"I don't need babysitting." Hannah was surprised by his harsh tone.

"Don't talk to her like that. You feel like yelling, yell at me." Brian said pushing himself between the two of them.

"Mind your own damn business."

"Alright, easy fellas. Thank you, Brian. But _she _can manage things herself. Go on, Brian. I'll manage him fine."

"Watch yourself, Adam. There's a limit to my compassion." Brian said pointing a long finger at his older brother. He turned and grabbing the tools he'd pack up, he hopped on Midnight and rode away.

"He's such a jackass." Adam said shaking his head. Hannah said nothing, but lead him over to the tent and motioned for him to sit down. She worked silently, cleaning his cut and wrapping it up.

"You're awfully quiet." He said at last. "Tired?"

"No." She said as she carefully wrapped a bandage around his hand. "Well, not tired from working." She paused and met his eyes. "I'm tired of the anger, Adam."

"Hey, I got stuff to . . ."

"You've got stuff to deal with." She said. "And not dealing with it, is not working, Adam."

"Hey," He said softening, and reaching out to lift her chin with his uninjured hand. "Hey, darlin' it's okay."

"No." She said finishing his bandage and rising. "It isn't." She turned from him and went back to where she'd been working. He rose slowly and stood watching her, debating what to do next. She didn't even look up when he finally got back on his horse and rode away.


	7. Chapter 7

It started out really small. That's all Hannah could think about after it was all over; was how very small it began. Thinking backwards she couldn't even really remember the first bitter comment she'd heard Adam say to Brian - something about his willingness to let others do his work, maybe. She knew it stemmed from Adam's frustration and grief. Brian knew it too, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. It seemed with each passing day, the comments seemed to grow and grow until she found herself watching him - her best friend - turn into a stranger.

She'd insisted on going up to the Tops with them all for the simple reason that she was terrified that it would all come to blows, and it nearly had - twice. Both times she had stepped in and somehow managed to send them back to their respective corners. It was exhausting, and filled her with a deep sadness. Usually the ride down and back home was filled with joy and joking - but this time it was a silent, tense ride. She remembered Brian telling Adam that his compassion had a limit, and she had come to realize that hers had, too, and she'd just about reached it. She rode beside him watching his face wondering how such a sweet, loving man could be so cruel to his own brother. She didn't like it and it scared her. What if she _couldn't_ have children? What if his anger turned towards _her_? She would never be able to endure the cruel, sharp remarks; her heart would shatter.

Back at the house around the rest of the family she felt a little safer. The nice thing about a house of eight was that there were enough people to go around that you could avoid someone pretty easily, if you wanted to. It wasn't too difficult for Brian and Adam to be in separate spaces.

It gave her space and time to relax a little, but she found she couldn't really sleep or eat - the stress of it all had grown too big. She tiptoed downstairs that first night home and found herself alone at the kitchen table. She made herself a cup of tea but had only taken two sips when Guthrie came into the kitchen.

"Can't sleep?" He asked with a yawn, but unable to really speak she simply shook her head. She watched as Guthrie folded himself into the chair across from her. She smiled at him, in spite of all her anguish. He was a good, hard-working boy - young man - she corrected herself. He was tall and lanky, kind-hearted and thoughtful.

"There's way too much going on around here." He said softly. "I think maybe we should all sit down. I got enough stress without worrying about you and Adam, too."

"What stress?" She asked concerned. "You having trouble at school?"

"No. Well, not with school work." He sighed. "I messed things up with Marly."

"What did you do?" She asked enjoying the distraction of Guthrie's troubles.

"I told Billy that we kissed. I told him too much, and he told Paul and it got back to her; that I was talking. " He looked down ashamed. "I don't know. I was so stupid! Billy tells everyone EVERYTHING. And now Marly's embarrassed and won't even talk to me. If I walk into a room - she walks out."

"You messed up." She said gently.

"I did." He agreed. He rested his chin on his folded arms, and let a long, slow sigh. "I was such a jackass! Why'd I do that? I know better. _You_ taught me better."

"Everyone makes mistakes." She reached across the table and brushed the bangs out of his eyes. "You are a kind, respectful young man, Guthrie. You just made a mistake."

"A pretty big mistake." He said. "Do you think she'll ever forgive me? I don't see how. I should never have treated her so badly."

"Did you tell her that?" She asked him.

"She won't talk to me, Hannah." He said exasperated.

"So write her a letter. Tell her everything - how badly you feel and how much you wished you could change it." Her heart swelled with love and compassion for him. "What does Adam always say, 'Everyone of us makes mistakes. But when we make a mistake . . .'" She waited for him to finish one her husbands most often repeated phrases.

"We do what we can to make it right." Guthrie quoted. He sat back in his chair and studied Hannah thoughtfully. "It's hard sometimes, though. She might not read the letter."

"She might not." Hannah agreed softly. Guthrie sat quietly, chewing at his lower lip. "But she deserves an apology just the same."

"She does."

He smiled at her and reaching across the table squeezed her hand. "I'm awfully sorry you can't sleep just now, Hannah. You look tired, but I'm awfully grateful for it too."

"How long you been worrying about this?'

"A week or so." He said. "It happened a couple days after the dance."

"Well, if you had let me chaperone in the _first_ place all that kissing would've never happened, and when are you gonna learn you can talk to me about these things. I _know_ about girls." She told him with a grin.

"Well, I'm not sorry about the kissing - just the bragging after the fact."

"We are only talking about _kissing_, right, Guthrie James?" She said sharply.

"Yes, ma'am." He responded quickly. "Throttle down there, Mom."

"You are entirely too young, and besides, you'll be going off to college before we know it. You don't want to get too tied down here."

"You always manage to bring it back to a lecture about going to college." He smiled at her. "It's pretty impressive, Hannah."

"I try."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. She sipped at her tea which had gone cold, and he sat back in his chair watching her.

"What about you?" He asked at last.

"What about me?"

"You aren't awake because you drank too much coffee." He leaned forward. "I respect your privacy - at least I try to, but I'm worried about it."

"You don't have to worry, Guthrie. It's just . . ." She sighed, trying to find a way out of the conversation.

"Tuna fish." He finished for her. "I know that, but it seems to me that there isn't really any such thing in this house."

"What do you mean?"

"I know it isn't fair - especially not to you, but you didn't just marry Adam. You married all of us, and we can pretend that some things are just between you and Adam. But everything that happens to the two of you, happens to us too." He reached across the table and took her hand. "And you are sad and Adam is angry - only, you and I both know that Adam angry is just Adam sad."

She blinked at tears and swallowed hard. "Guth . . ."

"That's okay." He told her. "I know you can't talk about it. I understand, but you can't tell me not to worry. You don't have that kind of power for one, and you matter to me so if you are sad, I worry. That's the deal." He rose slowly and turned to go back to bed, but paused and said, "Which is why I still think we should all sit down before things get out of hand." He moved to go, but she stood up.

"Guth, wait." She crossed to where he stood and looked up into his warm eyes. Standing on tiptoe - she had to stand on tiptoe now - she kissed his cheek. "I love you, Guthrie, and you comfort me. I swear you are the oldest fourteen year old, I've ever known."

"I'm thirteen." He corrected. "At least for three more weeks."

"Don't be difficult." She told him, hugging him close. "Go to bed. You got school tomorrow."

"Don't boss me." He said but leaned down and kissed her cheek. "I love you, too Hannah and I'd do anything to take away the sad."

She nodded at him unable to manage any words, thinking that if she had no other son than this one - he was more than enough.

***R***

The morning was dark and dreary and it didn't help that she was weary from lack of sleep. Ford and Guthrie were both slow moving and missed the bus - which did not set Adam up in a cheerful state of mine. Daniel volunteered to drive them to school - no doubt excited to get away from the tension filled house. Evan wasn't due back from the rodeo circuit for another three weeks, and Crane had already left to tackle some chores, so after Daniel and the boys left, the house held only Adam, Brian and Hannah which proved to be at least one McFadden too many.

It started out fine. At least that's what Hannah hoped. Neither Adam nor Brian really acknowledged each other. Trying to make conversation - mostly to ease her own rising nerves, Hannah made the mistake of mentioning that she needed to go into town - remembering too late that it was because Daniel was running the boys to school that she couldn't.

"If you'd made sure they were up on time, she could go to the store now." Adam said bitterly.

"If you had booted them outside on time, they would've made that bus." Brian returned sharply.

"Fellas, it's no big deal." Hannah told them. "I can go later. It'll be easier later actually because one of you will be free to help me carry all those bags."

"Let Adam do it." Brian didn't look at her, but rather kept his eyes locked on his older brother. "Things are more peaceful without him barking out orders."

"Maybe if you did what you were supposed to I wouldn't need to give orders." Adam's face grew red with anger.

"Really, I could even go tomorrow. It doesn't have to be today. We can make do. Shouldn't one of you go check on Crane? Maybe he needs a hand."

"You saying I'm lazy?" Brian asked ignoring her.

It was at the precise moment that the doorbell rang, and Hannah had never, ever been so relieved in her entire life. No one ever came to the door. The ranch was just outside of Murphys in the middle on nowhere. The driveway itself was long and winding, so a person had to be very determined or have really important business to drive out to the Circle Bar Seven. They all went to the door to see who had made the trek out to the ranch.

It was a delivery van. Adam swung the door open.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"Yeah. I got a delivery. Can you sign here?" The young man stood at the door with a clipboard in his hand, which he now pushed in front of Adam.

"We didn't order anything." Adam said perplexed.

"It's for Hannah McFadden." The man said reading the paperwork.

"Me?" Hannah looked up surprised. "I didn't order anything! What is it?"

"I'll go get it." He said and they watched amazed as he lowered a large box out of the van and brought it up onto the porch.

"It's a dishwasher." He said. "It's already paid for. You want me to bring it inside for you?"

"Who ordered it?" Adam asked.

The man looked at his paperwork. "Uh, it says it was order by B. McFadden. No first name. You want me to bring it inside?" He asked again.

"No, thank you." Hannah said as she watched Adam turn and glare at Brian, who had been silent through the entire exchange.

"Alright, then. You have a nice day." He tipped his cap and hopped back into the van and was gone.

Hannah stood between her husband, and his oldest brother, and thought briefly, "_Of all the stupid things. It's going to happen now, and it is going to be over a dishwasher."_ She looked up at Brian.

"You didn't have to do that." She said hoping to diffuse the situation.

"You bought a dishwasher." Adam's voice was calm.

"Yeah. I had some money saved." Brian said sticking his chin out defiantly. "It's_ my _money."

"You talked about helping buy a tractor with that same money." Adam said cooly.

"I did." Brian said calmly. "But I changed my mind. I decided the dishwasher was more important. We can get that tractor working again, and you know it."

"So you blew your money on a dishwasher." Adam said angrily. "A luxury we don't need."

"A luxury? That's only because you don't wash the damn dishes! She does! She spends nearly an hour washing those dishes three times a day! Three hours of her life spent at the goddam sink because you never bothered to even _consider_ getting a dishwasher!"

"What business is it of yours?" Adam moved closer to Brian.

"Hey, now, listen I don't need . . ."

"You stay out of this!" Brian told her sharply.

"Don't you dare speak to her like that!" Adam pushed Brian's chest. "You don't speak to her!"

"Keep your hands off me!" Brian said. "I'll talk to whoever I want! And I will buy whatever I want! You aren't boss - not to me!"

"Really? You gonna pull some sort of childish temper tantrum over who's in charge? Really?" Adam's voice rose and the veins stood out on his neck. "Fine! You be in charge! I'm sick of it! Sick of you!"

"I told you there was a limit, Adam! You passed it up about two weeks ago. I've kept my mouth shut for her sake." He indicated Hannah who had reached out and was holding onto Adam's arm, trying to pull him back and away from Brian. "I'm sorry. I really am." He turned to Hannah. "You _know_ how sorry I am." He turned back to Adam, his tone harsh. "But you can't treat the people around you like garbage just because you can't admit to anyone how upset you are. It's the same old, same old, Adam. You just never learn! You can pretend all you want but it doesn't change the fact that you are brokenhearted, and pissed as hell about it. But you are NOT gonna use me as your whipping boy. I won't put up with it."

"What the hell do you know about anything, Brian! You gonna tell me how to live my life? Tell me how to treat me wife? Buy her presents to prove you're the bigger man? Why don't you prove it to your own wife? Oh, wait that's right, you haven't got one! Not you! Let's talk about all the woman you've used and tossed aside! And you're gonna lecture me about how to treat my wife! It's none of your goddamn business!"

"Yeah, that's right, I don't have a wife." Brian's face was purple with rage.

"You don't even got a steady girl!"

"No. I spend my days taking care of this ranch, those boys - so I haven't got time in my schedule for dating. I spend most of my days cleaning up after you lately. Besides, where would I even bring a girl - to my house - no, wait it's _your_ house. I guess could take her to my room - no wait, I haven't even got that, now have I?"

"Poor Brian, so mistreated; so misunderstood." Adam mocked.

"Adam," Hannah said pulling on his arm. "Leave it alone. Come on."

"No! He wants to have his say, then let him! I'm tired of tiptoeing around him and his feelings."

"You're tired of tiptoeing around _my_ feelings!" Brian threw his hands in the air. "That's all anyone in the house has done since you lost that baby!"

Hannah drew in a sharp breath and both men turned to her, as her brown eyes filled with tears. "You need to stop it!" She said angrily. "Both of you! Please, just stop."

Seeing her tears, Brian took a step back horrified, but Adam's rage intensified.

"You made her cry, you bastard!" Adam said and drew back his fist, hitting Brian squarely in the jaw.

"It's you!" Brian said grabbing Adam by the front of his shirt. "Don't you get it, you stupid ass! She's crying because you won't even talk to her about it! She's scared you blame her! Why do you gotta be so stupid about it!" He gave Adam a hard shove. Adam flew backwards, and Hannah had to jump out of the way, but unfortunately, her foot slipped and she lost her balance falling to the floor.

Time seemed to stop then. When Hannah remembered it, which unfortunately she did, over and over again, she remembered it all in slow motion. Trying to catch herself, hitting the ground and landing on her side. Brian's eyes wide with horror and guilt, Adam's face filled with a fury she'd never seen before. She tried to call out and explain; tried to make Adam see that it was Brian's fault, but then everything seemed to speed up. She scooted herself back and away from them, as their fists flew. She'd seen the brothers fight more than once. She'd even seen fists fly from time to time - that horrible night when Daniel tried to fight Brian for one, but nothing had ever been like this. It was horrible, frightening and she closed her eyes, sobbing. She heard the sound of their fighting slow, and then a terrible, quietness. And she couldn't open her eyes - afraid of what she would see, but she couldn't stop herself, either.

They were both on the floor of the kitchen, and she could see they'd knocked the table on it's side. Both of them had bruises and cuts on their faces, she could hear the hard, angry breathing of both brothers who still glared at each other. Then she heard it; the worst and darkest words ever spoken in the house.

"Get out." Adam said furiously. "Get out of my house and don't ever come back. Get out!"

Brian said nothing, but rose slowly, and limping turned to go. He paused at the doorway between the kitchen, and where he'd spent the last two years sleeping - a small passageway between rooms.

"Hannah, I'm sorry." He said softly. "I would never, ever . . ."

"Shut your damn mouth." Adam rose up, too and stood in front of her, cutting off her view of Brian. "Don't you dare talk to her. Don't you dare!"

Hannah sat where she was not moving, not even really breathing, too frightened, too shocked to speak. Adam turned from Brian, and righted the table and chairs. He grabbed a broom and swept up the broken pieces of a vase that held the flowers that Daniel had brought her just that morning. All the while she could hear Brian gathering up things in his "room", and then she heard the slam of the door. She looked up then and saw that Adam was standing in front of her, with one hand stretched out to her - to help her rise. She could see his lips were moving, but couldn't hear his words - the pounding of her heart seemed to fill her ears and she could hear nothing else.

Blinking she rose slowly, without the help of his outstretched hand. He stood in front of her still, his mouth still moving and she tried to focus in on his words, tried to process all that had happened, but feeling confused and overwhelmed she simply pushed past him, and out of the house, she ran down the steps and out into the cold morning air, she kept running for a long time, until she found herself again at the old oak. She stood beside it panting, her heart beating wildly. Exhausted she sat down on the oak, her back to Circle Bar Seven and her eyes on the hills in the distance. She waited for a storm of tears to wash over her, but found she was numb and for the first time since Adam had tipped his white hat at her in the diner revealing a beautiful smile, she felt utterly alone.


	8. Chapter 8

It was nearly lunchtime when Crane went back to the house. He passed the barn and wasn't all that surprised to see that Daniel was NOT working on the tractor. _Smart man_. He thought to himself realizing that Daniel must have found a reason to stay in town. He was, however, greatly surprised that neither Adam nor Brian had come out to help him. He paused on the porch perplexed by a large box, and then opening the door he glanced around.

He found Adam, sitting at the kitchen table, a beer in his hand. He glanced at the clock. It was 11:12 a.m. He studied his older brother's expression - or to be more accurate felt his brother's mood. His psychology professor in college had told him that he had a sixth sense about people. He said it was a gift and that Crane should consider a different career path than living in the middle of nowhere surrounded by cows. Crane didn't know if it was a gift or curse. All he knew was that Adam was more depressed than he'd ever seen him.

"There's a brand new dishwasher on our front porch."

"Yeah." Adam said taking a long sip of beer.

"It probably won't work so good out there. You want me to help you bring it inside?" Crane was confused.

"No. I don't know." Adam said and rising, he threw his empty beer can in the trash and went to the refrigerator to reach for another, but Crane stepped in front of him, blocking the door to the refrigerator.

"It's not even noon, Adam. You gonna tell me what the hell's going on?"

"Move out of the way, Crane."

"Where's Hannah?" Crane asked him, knowing he was going straight to the throat. He watched as Adam cringed visibly.

"I don't . . .I don't know." His voice was small; wounded.

"Maybe you ought to look for her, huh?"

"She won't want me to . . ." He sunk back into a chair. "Brian's gone."

"Gone? What?" Crane glanced at the area where Brian slept, and could see that most of his stuff was gone. "What happened?"

"We fought, and I was . . . he knocked Hannah down." He looked up at Crane with eyes blazing. "Or she fell, I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair.

Where is she?" Crane grabbed Adam by his shirt, shaking him. "Is she hurt?"

"I don't . . ."

"What the hell's the matter with you? Brian's gone? Hannah got knocked down and you are sitting there feeling sorry for yourself drinking a goddam beer? _Go and find her! NOW!"_ Crane stepped back from his older brother completely stunned.

"I can't Crane." Adam said his head down. "I'm so ashamed."

Crane softened, seeing Adam so distraught. He wasn't a man who revealed his weaknesses. He knelt in front of his brother. "You need to make sure she is alright."

"She isn't." Adam said drawing in a deep and teary sigh. "We . . .we lost a baby." He looked up at Crane's blue eyes. "About a month ago, and I haven't been . . .she's so . . ."

"She told me about it last week." Crane said gently. "She needs you to talk to her, Adam. She's afraid."

"I couldn't . . . I . . . seeing her hurt like that . . .I . . .if anything ever happened to her - it would be the end of me." Adam admitted.

"So, go and find her." Crane repeated, and watched as Adam rose slowly. "Go on. I'll manage things here."

"Crane, I'm sorry, I've been so . . ." He let out a long sigh.

"We'll work all the rest out later. Just Hannah matters now. Go and find her. You know where she goes when she needs to get away. Go on."

He followed Adam out to the front room, holding the screen door open for him. He watched Adam go down the front steps and across the field. He watched until he was a small dot in the far distance.

The same college professor who had considered Crane "gifted" had been infinitely fascinated with Crane's family history. He used to talk to him during his office hours asking him endless questions about his brothers. He was particularly interested in Adam.

"_He didn't complain? He didn't try and run away from the responsibility?" He had asked Crane._

"_Not that I know of. He slid into his role pretty easily. At least that's how it seemed. Of course, he was the oldest, so he was used to being in charge of us."_

"_I can't imagine the stress; the strain. Did you see counselors?"_

"_It was a small town. We had friends of our parents who talked to us a lot. My mom's best friend Marlene could get him to talk sometimes. But our brother Daniel had a really tough time. Adam took him to a counselor, who convinced him to meet with her too. But that was for about, I don't know, maybe six months. When Daniel did better, Adam quit going."_

"_I've never . . . he was seventeen?"_

"Almost eighteen." Crane was surprised by his professor's deep interest. "You'd have to know him. Adam's good at everything he does."

"_I'll bet." Professor Walker said. "But I bet he's not good at managing his emotions."_

"_You'd be right. He's got a temper like you wouldn't believe, and he can't manage worry well. None of us are good at worry, really. When something like that happens when you are young - well it sort of introduces the fragility of life into your brain. It's hard to forget."_

"_Crane, are you sure you want to be a rancher? You'd be an awfully good teacher or psychologist. It seems to me that a man who goes around using words like 'fragility' doesn't belong on a cattle ranch."_

"_That's because you are leaning on your prejudices about what cowboys are like." Crane grinned._

"_Well, it's just as well I suppose. It seems to me your brother has a lot of repressed grief and anger, and one day it will surface. He'll need a man with a good head on his shoulders to navigate those dangerous waters."_

"_I don't know if I'm that man." Crane said laughing. "When Adam gets mad, I prefer to hide."_

"_I doubt that." Professor Walker said. "You seem like the kind of brother a man can lean on when things get tough."_

"_I aim to be."_

"_Now, you sound exactly like I'd expect a cowboy to talk." Professor Walker laughed._

All these years later, Crane wasn't so sure he was a good brother. He'd known about Adam's pain for a week, and hadn't done anything about it. And now . . . he couldn't wrap his brain around it. Brian gone? He couldn't imagine it! He sighed and studied the dishwasher sitting on the porch. He saw the tag: Hannah McFadden. He also read the name next to the words purchased by - B. McFadden. How on earth had the gift of a dishwasher led to a fight? How could it have led to Brian leaving? Crane shook his head, and then propping the door open, began the work of bringing the dishwasher inside.

***7***

He didn't expect to feel like a man marching to his execution. He never imagined he could be so afraid of her. She sat hunched on the ground her back to the old oak. She seemed very small. He could remember the very first time he'd seen her. He had actually stopped breathing briefly, so shocked by her beauty. He could remember the first time he'd kissed her - unlike any other kiss in his life and he knew, right then, that he wanted to kiss for the rest of his days.

He hadn't treated her well. He knew that. He didn't tell her the truth about his life; his brothers. He kept it hidden out of fear. Later, he simply expected her to accept all that went along with his life. He never asked her if she _wanted_ to cook for everyone. He never _asked _her if she wanted to stay at home taking care of everyone. He never once thought to buy her a goddam dishwasher.

He was a failure.

Brian was right about one thing - he took people for granted. He just expected people to do what he needed. He forgot to say thank you and please. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he treated her like he did his brothers. His shame kept his feet rooted ten feet away from her.

"Adam?" She said at last, not turning around and the brokenhearted sound of her voice, drew him forward so that he sat down on the ground beside her.

"Honey, I'm . . ." He swallowed unable to speak.

"I lost my balance, Adam." She said softly. "Neither one of you knocked me down. I just . . ." She turned to him her face ghostly white. "I just fell."

"I should never have . . . I shouldn't have put my hands on him." He looked away from her.

"Pretending the hurt's not there doesn't work, Adam." She said gently. "It sneaks out the edges. It _hurts_ people." She sighed so sadly that he felt as though he'd been struck.

"Yeah."

"It _hurts_ me." She whispered at last.

"I know." He felt as if he couldn't get any air in his lungs, and he rose suddenly, fighting a terrible feeling of panic. He wanted to run. He wanted to yell. He wanted to punch himself. She looked up at him with wide, sad brown eyes.

"Hey, don't . . . please, Adam, don't run off. We can call that counselor. We can go today if you want." She rose slowly and leaned against the old trunk.

"No . . .I don't . . . I don't need to talk to her." He said trying to catch his breath.

"Adam! Don't be so stubborn! Look around you! What are we gonna tell the boys when they get home and ask where Brian is? What am I gonna say to Guthrie?"

"No, it's not . . ." He stepped closer to her, as tears fell from his downcast eyes. "I don't need to talk to her." He looked up, meeting her eyes at last. "I need to talk to you."

***7***

Brian McFadden threw his stuff on the bed of small room. He glanced around - bed, desk, closet, lamp. It was more than he'd had in the last two years. He flopped on the bed, exhausted. He'd never, ever been so angry. The image of Hannah cowering on the ground as he fought with his brother, burned into his brain. His shame and anger were overpowering. There was no way he could go back there - not now - not ever.

"_Get out of my house!"_

The words still rang in his ears and echoed in the empty chambers of his heart. He was so sick of it. He'd been trying for the last twelve years to make a place for himself beside Adam. Actually, he'd been trying to make a place for himself since the day he was born - forever hovering just below the long shadow that Adam cast.

Everything came easy to Adam. Everything. He was good in school, good in sports, popular with teachers and students and had a pretty easy time with girls. Even the death of his parents didn't seem to break his stride. He plunged into the role of parent without a glance backward. Everyone talked about it. All the time. Everyone.

"_It sure is amazing what you are doing for your brothers!" _ They would tell him with Brian standing right beside him. No one ever cared that Brian hadn't gone to college either. No one ever remembered that Brian spent his last year of high school taking two classes all alone in the early hours before the official start of school so that he could be home to work the ranch alongside Mr. Wonderful. He'd dropped off the football team - dropped out of his life and no one had noticed it.

As for Mr. Wonderful, no one seemed to remember that he had a quick and sharp temper; that he could be downright mean when he dug in. It was Brian who had to follow behind him, comforting his younger brothers when Adam's temper had wounded them. No one remembered that it was Brian who had attended endless parent/teacher conferences and meetings. It was Brian who had told Adam, "We have to do something for Daniel. He needs to talk to someone beside us."

If Adam was Mr. Wonderful, then Brian was Mr. Invisible. He spent his late teen years and early twenties teaching himself to cook and sew - trying to fill the impossible shoes of his mother. Adam teased him about it - calling him Mr. Mommy from time to time - something that he smiled and laughed at but deep down the words hurt; they burned.

He was the family screw up; the town joke. He drank too much trying to drown out his pain. He worked his way through girls - - for a few seconds, with a pretty girl on his arm, he felt like he mattered, but it never really lasted. Mostly, he felt tired and lonely.

And then Adam showed up with Hannah. Brian was furious. Of course! Of course Golden Boy would manage to find himself a wife! It would be just one more thing that he could pull off that Brian just couldn't seem to manage. He was so resentful. Adam hadn't confided in him; not once. He didn't say anything when he met her. Didn't say anything about falling in love with her and certainly didn't mention marrying her. Brian had never, ever felt so pushed to the side in his life.

And she was beautiful. And she was sweet. And she even overlooked being misled. She was willing to accept a life with hard work, smelly cows and six resentful younger brothers. He tried to hold a grudge against her. He tried to keep himself aloof, but she was so damn sweet - especially to the kid. He couldn't keep his heart hard against her when she saw the way that she looked at Guthrie. Crane pointed out to him that it wasn't _her_ fault that Adam hadn't told them about her. It wasn't _her _fault that he'd been a jerk about the whole thing.

And things did get better. She didn't buy his Mr. Wonderful act and was quick to point out when he was being unreasonable. He'd just about busted up laughing the first time she'd put a hand on her hip and right in front of them all said, "Knock it off, Adam." He supposed that was the moment he decided to let himself like her. And more amazing than anything was to see Mr. Wonderful back down, and say in a small voice, "You are right. I'm sorry." He'd just about dropped his chin on the floor. She was so small - a good foot shorter than him - but dammit if she wasn't more powerful than a nuclear bomb.

Now, it was all ruined. He was adrift. He couldn't go back. He couldn't. He'd knocked her down; _her._ She was innocent of their war, and yet, somehow at the center of it too. She had disrupted the flow of things. Her arrival had brought out so many things that they had kept in hiding for so long; Adam's grief and anger and his own bitterness. He supposed it was inevitable. This fight; this war - if their parents had lived, Adam would have left, and he would've been finally freed of his brother's shadow, but that hadn't happened. He'd lived for twenty-seven years a step behind Adam Jackson McFadden, Jr. with no way to mark his own trail.

He rose slowly, deciding to see if he could get a job cutting trees again. He wasn't going back that was for sure, and it was high time he made his own life. He was sorry about the boys; he was sorry about Hannah, but he was done living life following his older brother like a helpless puppy. It was time. He reached out for his hat, closing the door behind him. Brian McFadden was going rouge.


	9. Chapter 9

Hannah brushed tears out of her eyes as Adam sat beside her on the fallen oak. She waited patiently; had been waiting patiently for weeks now, as he tried to bring his emotions in control.

"They say this tree was just a sapling when my great, great grandfather settled here. When my father was a boy, my grandpa told him the story of how one stormy night a bolt of lightening touched down splitting the tree in half like this. It happened on the very night my grandmother died. They say it was her way of saying goodbye." He shrugged and glanced at her. "I don't know if it is really true. I was pretty little when I heard the story, and I might have some of the facts wrong." He sighed.

"There's lots of stuff that we are missing. I don't know how old Guthrie was when he first learned to walk or said his first word. It wasn't important to me as a teenager, and then there was no one to ask. I remember when we took Guthrie to the hospital for pneumonia and the doctor asked if he'd ever been hospitalized. I didn't know."

Hannah reached out and took hold of Adam's hand, staring down at his long, strong fingers.

"They must have been pretty tough." She said quietly.

"I wanted to cry." He glanced at her, slightly embarrassed. "I wanted to burst into tears, but I couldn't."

"You just swallowed hard and set your jaw - locked tight." She looked up at his face.

"What?"

"It's what you do when you are upset. If I didn't know you, I'd think you were really angry, but it's just you pretending that you got it all under control." She reached out and brushed a soft hand across his face. "It must be so hard having everyone expect you to manage things all the time."

Adam said nothing, choking on a sob. He turned away from her, and wiped tears out of his eyes.

"It really is." He whispered.

"It isn't like I don't understand it, Adam." She continued gently. "You've had no time for grief; no time for rebellion. You had to just keep going. You had to. And you are a man who takes responsibility seriously. You are so hard on yourself."

"And everyone around me." He sighed.

"And everyone around you." She agreed. "It isn't like they don't know you love them. They do. They are very clear on that, but when things get tough you don't manage that well because you never learned how." He looked up at her surprised. "You helped them all grieve - made sure they were okay and could manage it, but no one was there to help you."

"It was over a decade ago." He said rising abruptly. "This is ridiculous! It has nothing to do with . . .Brian and me. And it doesn't have anything to do with you." He looked down at her.

"Oh, Adam. Yes, it does. It has everything to do with everything!"

"No! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of hearing the story of the sad little McFadden boys who struggled to stay together. I don't want . . .all that is over. I've moved on. I've got my _own_ family now."

Hannah said nothing but simply waited quietly. She watched him as he paced angrily, knowing that he wanted to run off and forget about the conversation, but so proud that he was choosing to stay; to fight his way through it.

"I thought . . ." He said at last, coming back to stand in front of her. "I thought marrying you would be like a fresh start; a freedom from the past. I thought . . .I could be myself and not _him_ - you know - the Hero Who Saved His Brothers."

"Adam . . ."

"I'm not him. He's just made up because people like a nice story. People like an easy story where the oldest brother raises the orphans and does a good job - everyone's happy forever."

"That isn't what happened?" She asked gently.

"God no!" He exploded. "I screwed up! All the time! I'm not patient! I'm not good at details. I forget crap all the time - really important stuff. I forgot Evan's eighth birthday. I forgot to get a Christmas tree for Guthrie when he was six. I forgot to pack lunches half the time. The only reason that social services didn't step in and take the boys is because people covered for us all the time. Half the kids in school _still_ bring an extra lunch just in case. I'm such a . . ."

"What?" She asked him.

"I failed at it. I failed them." He sat down beside her on the oak. "_You_ know it, Hannah. _You've_ seen it. Look what I did to Brian."

She let out a sigh, and reaching out put a gentle hand on his cheek. He leaned into her hand, closing his eyes.

"Maybe it's God's way of saying I _shouldn't_ be a father." He said quietly. "It's my fault you've been hurt so."

She drew back from her eyes wide with shock. "Oh, Adam! You believe . . ."

"I'm sorry, Hannah. I'm sorry for so much. Brian is right about a lot of things. I take people for granted. I take _you_ for granted. Do you even want to stay at the ranch all day? Do you miss working? And you don't have to step in and take care of them. It isn't your responsibility. I know you love them, but it doesn't mean you have to . . . it's my burden - not yours."

"Whoa, slow down, okay." She said. "First, if you think I miss being on my feet eight hours a day having people shake their empty glasses at me yelling for more iced tea, you are crazy. And besides, have you ever known me to hold back from telling you what I thought or wanted or needed? I was so happy to leave that job - leave that lonely life. As for your brothers, I do love them. And it's my burden, too Adam. You and me, are the same person, now. You know that. What am I supposed to do - sit around the house and ignore all the work that everyone else has to do? I'm part of this family. I am a McFadden - I got a piece of paper that say so."

"But I didn't warn you first - you didn't get to choose." He said.

"No. I didn't. I took one look in those eyes of yours, and those damn dimples and fell in love. That was it. No choice. I found my home." She smiled at him. "I couldn't walk away from you if I wanted to, honey. You've got my heart."

"But it isn't fair to you."

"Nope. And my stubbornness and temper aren't fair to you. You didn't know you were marrying a girl who was raised by a drunk for half her life. I've got my own burdens, Adam. We _share _them." She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. "You didn't know I'd have a hard time giving you children."

"Hannah, that's . . . I'm sorry." He ducked his head, keeping his eyes from her.

"Everything they said about cowboys is a lie. You come across as such a simple person Adam, but you are a really, really complicated guy." She ran her hand across his shoulder blades. "What are you saying? You think losing these babies was God's punishment on you?"

"I don't know."

"He isn't like that and you know it. So because you are a so-called bad father, He hurts me, too?" She kissed his cheek. "It's so like you to pile it on yourself and leave me in the clear."

"I don't understand why He would let it happen. We've hurt enough, don't you think?"

"Yeah." She said quietly. "We have. Lord knows, you have. Too bad life isn't fair, huh?" He met her eyes then, and unable to speak he nodded his head.

"As to the Adam the Hero crap this town throws around, _you_ didn't make that up they did. And you are right, it is partly their desire to have a good story, but it is also based on observation. Some of it's true, Adam."

"No, it isn't. You weren't here."

"No, I wasn't. God, I wish I was!"

"Honey, you would've been fourteen years old." He said raising an eyebrow at her.

"It doesn't matter that I wasn't here. They've told me. All of them, they've told me the things you did - the way you took care of them."

Adam sighed. "They tell you the things I forgot?"

"They told me how you came to their mother's day tea, and their school parties, how you made them milkshakes and had movie nights - how you tucked them in at night, and took care of them when they were sick. How when you messed things up, you apologized and fixed it." She smiled up at him. "Most women have to wonder - they don't really know what kind of father their husband will be. I _know_, Adam. You will be a good father because you _are_ a good father."

"Hannah, I'm not. How can you say that? How? You've seen my temper; the way I act. I want to do right by them! I want to be like he was, and I'm not - not at all. And if I failed at your child; our child, I couldn't bear it." He put a hand to his face, ashamed of his tears.

"Adam, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the baby. I am. And mostly I'm sorry because I'd love to give you a child of your own. You are such a good father, you deserve that. I want to see you raise your son to be a man like you." She said quietly. "And I don't know why it happened. I can't understand it. You've hurt enough. And I was careful - I didn't go riding, or . . ."

"Hey, now, sweetheart," He moved to her, wrapping his arms around her, and kissing her forehead. "This wasn't your fault. It just happened. That's what the doc said." She leaned into his shoulder, clinging tightly.

"What if we never . . ."

"Then we'll raise these last few boys together, and see what happens after that." He told her seriously. "I imagine someday they'll ask for help raising their little ones. You and me, will be old pros by then." He kissed her. "Hannah Joy, I love you. I don't care . . . that's not true. I do care about it because it hurts you; hurts us both, but it doesn't change things. You don't have to be afraid of that. It doesn't change how I see you. It doesn't change how much I love you and how grateful I am that you are here in my arms."

"But if you had married someone else maybe . . ."

"If you had married someone else, you could be living in a fancy house, and driving a fancy car."

"I don't want a fancy car or house. I want you." She said looking up at him.

"I want you, too, as you are - no matter what." He said seriously. "Get that straight, girl. Now and for always."

She nodded her head, her eyes filling again with tears and he pulled her into him. She cried in his arms, and then said, "Adam, it isn't punishment. You don't need punishment. As for Adam the Hero - you are to me, and to the boys."

"Don't . . " He raised a hand to his eyes. "Don't be . . ."

"Stop trying to hide those tears, McFadden." She said with a laugh. "Even you say real cowboys cry - just not at the campfire - at home with their woman."

"My Dad always said that." He said still struggling against tears. "He was such a good, good man - a good father. I wish that all the boys knew him like I did. He would never have got into a mess like this with Brian." He sighed. "And he never would've let mom suffer alone like I did to you."

"I didn't suffer alone. Adam, give yourself a damn break. There's no rules to grief. You know that. I know you love me. I'm just not always sure that's a wise choice."

"I want to be a dad." He admitted softly. "I do, Hannah. I can't imagine how beautiful our baby would be - and she'd have your smile and that beautiful dark hair."

"She?" She looked up at him.

"Well, a man can hope." He pushed the hair off her forehead. She nodded him as tears fell down her cheeks.

"We can keep hoping." She smiled at him.

He wasn't a man for crying. She was right about that. He never had time for it. He cried in front of his brothers - when appropriate. He cried when Ford was so sick, when he and Guthrie had slid down into that ravine, when his parent's died and he'd downright sobbed when the doctor told him Hannah would live. But he always kept a piece of him in control - not ever allowing himself to fully let go of his emotions. He thought it would make him feel weak and ashamed. But he wept now, secure in her arms; sure of her love and understanding. He wept for the past - all the struggles he'd faced alone, for her and what they'd lost together, and wept for his brother who had been so harmed by his own hands; his own words.

After a time, he pushed away from her enough to look into her eyes. "I think we have to tell the boys, sweetheart. They won't understand and they are already so worried about you. I'm sorry. I wish I could at least give you your privacy."

"It's okay, Adam. I was wrong to keep it from them. I can manage it, if you hold my hand."

He took her hand firmly in his, and kissed her fingers, his eyes filling with fresh tears. "What am I gonna do about Brian?"

"What are _we_ gonna do about Brian, you mean." She corrected him.

"I screwed up."

"Yeah, sweetheart you did." She agreed kissing him.

"So what do I do?" He asked her.

"What do you always do when you mess up?" She asked him with a raised eyebrow. He said nothing at all and then she nudged his shoulder. "Adam?"

"We do what we can to make it right." He managed to choke out.

***7***

It was nearly dark by the time that Adam and Hannah returned, hand in hand. Crane and Daniel had managed to hook up the dishwasher in the kitchen, as well as feed the boys. It was strange to sit down to such a small gathering - Evan away, Hannah and Adam gone. He tried not to imagine Brian somewhere eating alone. He held open the screen door for them, and seeing their faces, smiled. It was clear they'd both been crying, but they seemed more at peace than they had in weeks.

"Hi." Crane said and Hannah let go of Adam's hand and hugged Crane.

"Thanks, Crane." She said softly.

"I didn't do anything." He shrugged following her inside.

"You managed things for us." She smiled up at him.

Daniel reached for Hannah's hand, "Oh good! You're home. Come on! Just wait! Just wait until you see!"

Crane tried to stop him, but Daniel was swept up with excitement.

"You are gonna love it Hannah!" Guthrie bounced excitedly. "It's the best thing ever!"

They both stepped back revealing the dishwasher, and were stunned when she burst into tears and turning to Adam said, "Now." She turned and went back into the front room. "Family meeting everyone, now."

Surprised and confused they all followed her into the front room and sat across from where she sat on the couch crying. Adam went to her and sitting down, pulled her into his arms.

"Alright," He said. "This is kind of tough."

"You aren't splitting up?" Guthrie asked with wide eyes.

"No, Guth. Never." Adam said surprised at his younger brother's fear. "But you worrying about stuff like that is why we got to talk. Tuna fish is a good idea for small stuff - especially for private stuff, but we all know that Hannah, here, doesn't get much in the way of privacy."

"I'm sorry." Ford said quietly.

"It is no one's fault, Ford. I guess if it were anyone's fault it would be mine."

"No," Crane said. "That truck driver." He met Adam's eyes. "We should put blame where it lies." He explained.

"Yeah, you're right. I guess it is his. Thanks, Crane." He turned and met his brother's eyes, determined to do a better job of acknowledging the people around him. "So, I know you've all suffered from my unreasonable anger lately - you especially Ford, and I'm sorry for it. There's no excuse for me treating you like I have. I hope you can forgive me."

"Adam, what's wrong? You aren't sick are you?" Ford looked up at him with wide frightened eyes.

"No!" Adam laughed. "I guess it goes to show how much I suck at this. He thinks we're divorcing" He thumbed toward Guthrie, "and he thinks I'm dying." He indicated Ford and even Hannah had to laugh.

"No, it's nothing like that." Hannah said, her voice unsteady. "We . . . I was . . ." She swallowed hard. "I was pregnant again, but it didn't work out." She kept her eyes down. "We didn't want to say anything because we didn't want you to worry or be sad."

"Hannah!" Guthrie said, his eyes wide. "I'm . . ."

"Shh. . ." She crossed to him putting an arm around him. "I'm okay. It's okay." She kissed his forehead. "I'm just sad and so is Adam, but you and I know what that means." She smiled at him.

"Adam sad is Adam mad." Guthrie looked up at his older brother. "I'm sorry, Adam."

"Yeah, well, I'm the one who's sorry. Just because I got . . . it's no excuse. And I am sorry."

Ford got up from where he sat and went to Adam, who also rose and met his younger brother halfway. "I forgive you, Adam." Ford said wrapping his arms around his brother.

"Where's Brian?" Daniel asked pointedly.

"That's something else I have to be sorry for." Adam said with a sigh, stepping away from Ford. "Brian knew about it - knew about everything, and I treated him pretty badly. You all know that." He sighed. "And I . . . I . . ." He glanced at Hannah who nodded her head encouragingly. "I screwed up pretty bad, and we fought. He left, and I'm not sure if he's coming back."

"You fought? What do you mean you aren't sure he's coming back? What did you say to him?" Daniel stood angrily.

"It doesn't really matter, does it Daniel?" Hannah asked him. "It happened and he's gone."

"And it is my fault. _Mine_. She had nothing to do with it. He'd tell you same thing." Adam said. "And you are right to be angry with me, Danny. I messed up. I did. I treated him badly and I'm sorry for it - for him and for all of you."

"So, now you do what you can to make it right." Guthrie said standing with clenched fists. "You _fix _it, Adam! That's why you always say. You fix it."

"I'm gonna try, but . . .it might not be so easy." He sighed, his shoulders slumped.

"So what?" Crane said putting an arm around Daniel's shoulders. "McFaddens don't need easy. We're cowboys. We can manage tough."

"Yeah, tough's no problem." Ford said looking up at Adam.

Adam nodded his head, unable to speak as tears gathered in his eyes. He was so grateful for his family's love. He knew they were still angry at him - for the havoc he'd brought, but they also understood too. He looked at his brothers, wrapping an arm around his wife, "I promise all of you. I'll do everything I can to make it right."


	10. Chapter 10

Brian McFadden found the fact that he was relatively content a tremendous surprise. He missed his brothers and missed the craziness of the big house, but he was alright. In fact, if it wasn't for the hurt and anger that still hung between his oldest brother and himself, he was actually almost happy.

He enjoyed the work he was doing and enjoyed the peace and quiet of an evening alone - no arguments, no responsibilities. He had actually started reading again - something he hadn't had time for since high school. He had expected himself to go wild and crazy - out drinking every night, but now that he had no one to rebel against, he found himself perfectly content to sit down in the evening to a good book.

Murphy's had a very small library which was filled with friends and neighbors who asked far too many questions. He had taken to driving into Sonora and going to the bigger library there. He went nearly four days in a row, still avoiding Adam's calls and attempts to get together and "talk." He wasn't ready for that just yet. So, instead, he hopped on the motorcycle he'd bought two days after leaving home, - an old junker that he was nearly constantly fixing and adjusting, and headed over to the library.

It wasn't until the third visit that he realized, he was going to see her.

She had long blond hair, and green eyes. She was tall - the top of her head reached his shoulder. She had a pair of long, long legs, and when she smiled, Brian had to catch his breath. Her name was Caroline.

"Back again." She said seeing him.

"Yep." He nodded at her trying desperately to think of something clever to say.

"You keep this pace up and you'll be through our whole stacks in a few months."

"There are worse things. You're a librarian. Aren't you supposed to be pro-reading?"

"I am." She smiled at him.

"Well, alright then. Consider me a shining example of what reading can do." He grinned at her.

"What's her name?" She asked him.

"Who?"

"The girl who broke your heart and left with you with nothing better to do than go to the library every night." She raised an eyebrow at him.

He was stunned. How did she know so much about him? It was unnerving and that might be why he answered her honestly.

"Adam."

"Oh, I uh . . ." She blushed.

"No!" Brian said realizing how it must sound to her. "No. He's my brother. We had a falling out of sorts."

"Oh, not that there's anything wrong with . . ."

"No, indeed." He said laughing.

"You're laughing at me." She said pouty, and he felt his knees buckle a little.

"No," He smiled at her. "Well, maybe a little."

"So, you and your brother were close?" She asked.

"Yeah, I guess. It's sort of complicated." He sighed. "Hey, you want to go get some dinner, or a beer or coffee?"

"I'm working." She pointed out.

"Library closes at eight." He smiled at her. "Unless you've got a husband or something."

"No." She grinned at him. "No girlfriend either."

"A lucky break for me then." He felt ridiculously happy to hear this piece of information. "What do you say?"

"Alright." She smiled at him.

"I'll just go read for a while then." He told her. "I'm Brian, by the way, Brian McFadden."

"I know." She said. "I saw it on your card. I'm Caroline Duffy."

"I know." He told her. "I read it on your badge."

***7***

Talking to Caroline was so easy. It wasn't like the other girls he'd dated. In fact, the memories of those other girls seemed to fall away as he talked to her. He hadn't been home in two weeks; hadn't talked to any of his brothers - in fact had avoided his brothers, and yet he didn't feel homesick at all. He felt like he was finding a whole new home.

"So, you fought." She said on their fourth date in just as many days.

"Yeah. I'm not . . I'm not really proud of it. He was hurtin'. I understand that. I should've been more patient." He looked down at the plate of untouched food in front of him.

"It sounds to me like you were more than patient." She smiled warmly at him. "I can't imagine it."

"What?"

"All those brothers. You seem like such a solitary guy. I'm an only child." She said to him. "I didn't even have to do chores."

He laughed. "I can't imagine that."

"You miss them still?" She asked.

"Yeah." He found his voice was thick, surprised by his emotions - surprised that he would reveal them to her.

"You were sixteen?" She asked him.

"Yeah."

"When I was sixteen, I wanted a car and so badly! It was all I could think about and my father said if I could save two hundred dollars, he'd let me buy one. I babysat for hours and hours."

"What did you get?"

"Same car I have now, I'm sorry to say - a 1978 GTO which is a little worse for wear."

"I wouldn't be sorry to say that! A GTO! I think I might be in love with your car." He grinned at her.

"It's a little soon for love, don't you think?" She asked reaching across the table to take his hand.

"I don't know. Dad always said love hits the McFadden men hard. I never understood what he meant."

"You do now?" She asked coyly.

"I think maybe I do." He squeezed her fingers.

"So, you are going to introduce me to them."

"I don't know. We aren't on speaking terms just now." He sighed.

"Only because you don't want to. You said he keeps trying to talk to you."

"He does. I just don't know. I've never . . . this is the first time, I've ever had a life of my own. I never thought it would be something I would . . .I miss them, but it is nice, too."

"Everyone needs a vacation from time to time."

"You aren't a vacation, Caroline."

"I didn't think I was, Brian." She grinned at them. "Which is why you are going to set things right with your brother, and then you are going to introduce me. I must confess that I am intensely curious about this sister of yours."

"Oh, you two would get along like two peas in a pod. In fact, maybe I shouldn't introduce you. If the two of you joined forces there'd be no hope for the rest of us."

"Exactly."

"She came to see me last night."

"You didn't tell me that." She looked up at him surprised.

"No. It was kind of intense. I'm hard-pressed to disappoint her." He sighed.

"So don't. Go home, Brian. At least talk with him. You know he must feel as badly about things as you do."

"I know that."

"So what's holding you back?" She asked.

"I don't know. Pride maybe. It's no fun living a life of being second fiddle." He ducked his face embarrassed. "Not very manly to admit."

"You're plenty manly. I'm not from around here, but I can see how it would be. Sonora's small enough a place - people get dug in and think just one way about things - and about people. Take me. No matter how long I stay, I will always be 'that city girl' - an outsider."

"Not to me." He moved his plate out of the way. "You wanna go for a walk?"

"I do." She said with a smile. They paid the check and left the little cafe they'd been eating in. It felt as natural as drawing in air to reach for her hand.

"I meant what I said Caroline." He said pausing to pull her closer to him. "You aren't a vacation. I'm serious about it."

She laughed and put a hand on his shoulder. "I sure hope so because I'm not the kind of girl to go around kissing every man who buys me dinner." She leaned in then and kissed him, and it was at just that moment that Brian understood just precisely what his father had meant about McFadden men and love. He even understood Adam better, but pushed thought of his oldest brother away - he didn't want to think of his brother just then.

She stepped back from him and reaching up put her soft hands on either side of his face. "You are a good man, Brian McFadden, and the thought of you being gone for even just one evening makes me a little sad. I look forward to you walking those long legs into the library each night. But I'm not going anywhere, so you go on home and make things right. I'll be right here soon as you get back."

He was ashamed to find tears gathering in his eyes and fought hard to keep them at bay. One tear escaped, despite his efforts, and she brushed it away with her fingers, and then kissed the wet spot it left. He hugged her tightly to himself then thinking how ridiculous it was that in just two weeks she'd come to mean so much.

"_You just up and married her? Didn't talk to us? Didn't think about what it would mean for everyone - what it would mean for her?"_

"_I couldn't . . . you don't understand, Brian. I couldn't think about anything else. It happened so fast. I looked into her eyes and it was just . . .I can't explain it."_

He leaned in and kissed her again, and realized that he never wanted to do anything else for the rest of his days. He broke away from her and said softly, "You got a middle name?"

"What?" She looked up at him startled.

"A middle name. You got one?" He asked running a hand through her long hair.

"Grace." She said perplexed "But why . . ."

"Grace." He repeated. "That's real pretty and it fits, too. You listen to me, Caroline Grace Duffy. I'm going home and face the music, but then I'm coming back to you. So don't set your sights on any other grumpy, broken-hearted, orphaned cattle ranchers who come wandering into your library." He kissed her forehead. "Because you already got one."


	11. Chapter 11

Brian parked his bike about a half mile from the Circle Bar Seven. He had decided that roaring up on a motorcycle might not be the best way to approach his brothers. The nervousness he felt surprised him. He had dreaded this moment; feared it, but he had no idea that he would feel this nervous. He wasn't sure he could face them knowing how angry they must all be. He hadn't called; not once. He hadn't talked to any of them. He had simply disappeared.

He walked the fence line of their property and was not that shocked to see the old tractor sitting idle. He could hear the faint muttering of curses and had to smile, despite his anxiety, recognizing Daniel's boots sticking out from underneath the old monstrosity.

"Need a hand there?" He asked leaning just outside the fence.

"Need a new engine." Daniel said from underneath and then slid himself out, eyes wide with surprise. "Brian?" He rose wiping dirty hands on his jeans. "You decided to drag your sorry ass back home then?"

"Well, I'm not so sure my sorry ass is welcome here." As if to give an answer, Daniel hopped over the fence and embraced his brother.

"I missed you man! Why didn't you at least call or write? Adam's a wreck!"

"Dan'l, I'm sorry. I was so ashamed at first and then, I don't know, I couldn't make myself do it. I knew you'd be pissed as hell that I took off like that."

"Well, you showed up at the right time. A week ago I would've knocked you on your ass. I still might, if I get a mind to think about it. Why didn't you at least call?"

"I tried a couple of times." He sighed. "I don't know."

"Well, _I'm_ probably your friendliest face - besides Hannah. Guthrie's mad as hell at you - so good luck there." He squeezed his brother's shoulder. "You missed his birthday."

"I know." Brian said quietly.

"He's waited his whole damn life to turn 14 and have his first beer, and he refused to even drink it. He's not gonna give you a hug." Daniel smiled at him.

"I wasn't expecting a hug from anyone." Brian confessed. "Everything just got so out of control, and I really lost my temper. I'm _still_ ashamed about it! I can't believe I fought with Adam like that! And right in front of Hannah!"

"You had good reason. Adam was being a complete jackass!" Daniel said.

"Hey, he had his reasons too." Brian said.

"I know. They told us - the day you left. Still, it didn't give him the right to be such a colossal jerk to everyone - especially to you." Daniel glanced around. "How'd you get here? Where you been?"

"I got job cutting trees. I've been over in Sonora - rented a room."

"Living the wild life of a single man with no responsibilities! I bet you got some stories!"

"Just one." Brian said raising an eyebrow at his younger brother. "I picked up an old Triumph Trident - it's parked up the road aways."

"You got a motorcycle!" Daniel practical jumped up and down. "Oh, man! Adam's gonna flip out!"

"Yeah, well, don't get excited. I spend most of my free time trying to put it back together. I know why they guy sold it so cheap." He smiled at Daniel. "Maybe you can help me with it, huh?"

"You're a working man now. I'm gonna have to charge you."

"I'll pay a fair wage." Brian grinned and squeezed Daniel's neck. "I'm sorry for not calling you, Dan'l. Guess I had some things to work out for myself." He sighed and glanced at the house in the distance. "Think they'll stop me at the gate with a rifle?"

"Guthrie might." Daniel admitted. "Hannah will come running down the lane to you - like the prodigal father. She's probably already spotted you. Now's a good time though. Only Hannah and Crane are home."

"Where's everybody else?"

"You mean where's Adam." Daniel laughed. "They drove up to your neck of the woods to pick up Evan. He gets in in about at 11 so you got about two hours to win Mrs. McFadden to your side. Although, it should only take long enough for you to spit out, 'I'm sorry.'" He nudged Brian's side. "Come on."

***7****

He wasn't sure what he expected to feel, stepping back on the porch. He'd only been gone three weeks, but it seemed like years. He was only on the third step when he heard the familiar creak of the screen door and looked up to see Crane standing there.

"The prodigal son." Crane said with a shake of his head.

"That's what I said!" Daniel said with a laugh.

"I guess." Brian said quietly. He studied Crane's face, searching for anger, but saw only sadness and compassion. "I'm sorry, Crane. I shouldn't have stayed away so long."

"You shouldn't have." Crane agreed. Brian stood before him now, unsure.

"I screwed up pretty good."

"You did. But so did Adam." Crane sighed and reaching out pulled Brian into an embrace. "Don't compound your stupidity! Hug me, man!" Brian laughed into Crane's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." He repeated.

"You already said that." Crane released him. "You don't look like you been starving. Where the hell you been? I've been looking all over for you."

"I rented a room just outside of Murphys and been working at the mill." Brian sighed. "I don't know. I just kind of laid low."

"You could've called at least." And Brian could hear the irritation in Crane's voice.

"You should have called." Daniel added.

"I should have. I don't know. It started out small, and then I just kind of got dug in. I was too chicken - afraid of what you'd say because it would be true. I don't know." He hung his head.

"Well, you better get inside. It's probably all Hannah can do not to come busting through the door. _She'll_ be happy to see you - although you might feel the sharp side of her temper, too." He raised an eyebrow.

Brian stepped into the front room and drew in a breath of the familiarity of home. The house always smelled of leather, wood and, since Hannah's arrival, the soft scent of flowers. She was standing just inside the door and immediately embraced him.

"Three days?" She asked him angrily. "I came to see you three days ago! What took so long?" She tapped her foot in displeasure.

"You knew where he was?" Crane turned toward her surprised.

"I went to see him, and told him to come home." She said turning to them.

"I deserve your anger, Hannah. You are right, but," He sighed and chewed at the corner of his lip. "Can I give you a kiss first? And I gotta say . . .I'm so sorry. You can't know how sorry I am about that day. I can't believe I knocked you down. I would never, ever in a million years . . ."

"You didn't knock me down, Brian!" She interrupted him. "I lost my balance and I fell." She patted his arm affectionately. "And I know you would never hurt me!" She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. "But you staying away and not calling, has wreaked a havoc on your brothers and on this house. I am so grateful you are home, Brian. I am so glad you are home, but this isn't going to be easy. Guthrie was so brokenhearted when you didn't even call him on his birthday."

"I know." Brian hung his head, utterly ashamed. "I'm sorry."

"And Ford's none to pleased with you, either. Evan came back the week after you left - missed two rodeos because he couldn't believe what happened. He nearly lost his spot - but Adam made him go back." Her voice was gentle and compassionate as she delivered this news to him.

"I wasn't thinking when I left."

"Hey," She said reaching for his hand. "You had cause, Brian. I was there. I saw how he acted. He has taken the blame for it. I just thought you should know. You need to be prepared."

"I am." He studied her thoughtfully. "And you," He added. "You're pretty mad too."

"I don't . . ."

"I hurt your baby boy. I broke his heart." He smiled at her. "Not to mention your sweetheart - it's okay, Sis, you can admit it."

"You hurt all my boys." She corrected him, but her voice was soft. "I know why you did it, but still," She sighed. "It is hard to see them hurt - even when it is by someone you love. And I do love you Brian. We've missed you so much."

"I know you love me, Hannah." He smiled at her. "I still can't believe all the crap you put up with. I don't know why you do it. Adam's just not that good looking - hell, no one is."

"It's my cross to bear." She said with a grin.

"A life stuck with seven, smelly, stubborn, hard-headed cowboys." Brian said.

"A life of stepping in between warring brothers who ought to know better." Crane added.

"Don't forget the cows, chickens, lambs, laundry and dishes." Daniel said.

"Well the dishes got easier." Hannah said grinning at Brian. "Are you gonna give me that kiss or not?" He laughed and kissed her cheek. "So we got an hour or so until the great battle of the brothers, are you gonna tell us what you been doing or not?"

"Nothing to tell really. I worked. I ate. I read." He shrugged his shoulders settling onto the couch between his brothers. Hannah sat across from the three of them on the edge of the arm chair.

"No wild parties?" Daniel asked, clearly disappointed.

"I wasn't in a partying mood, Dan'l."

"You read?" Crane asked. "Read what?"

"Lots of stuff. I don't know. I went to the library in Sonora." Even at this brief mention of the library, his mind drifted and he could see himself sitting at a table a book in front of him, but his eyes returning again and again to Caroline.

"Uh, huh." Hannah said meeting his eye, and he blushed terrified she could read his thoughts. But for whatever reason, she asked nothing more and instead said, "You hungry?"

"I _have_ missed your cooking greatly, Sis. Left to myself, I discovered what they've been saying all along - you are much better cook than me." He smiled up at her.

"Well, I guess your exile wasn't a total loss." She winked at him, and they all followed her into the kitchen.

***7***

He and Daniel dragged his bike into the garage. Daniel was already fiddling with it - his voice filled with excitement.

"I can see what you mean. It's in pretty bad shape." He considered it thoughtfully. "But it won't take much - except time and determination. We can turn this thing into a little beauty."

"You got a better eye for it than me then." Brian said with a shake of his head. "I just see an endless pit in which to throw my money."

"Oh, it will cost alright." Daniel agreed. "But most important things do."

"Don't get all philosophical, little brother. You been spending too much time with Dr. Crane."

"Who else did I have to hang around?" Daniel said wryly.

"That's a fair point, although a feels more like a kick in the gut." He glanced at his watch anxiously. "You think they'll stop on the way?"

"Nope. Coming straight home. That's what Adam told Hannah when he left."

"'Nother twenty minutes or so." He sighed.

"'bout right." Daniel agreed.

"I gotta make a phone call." Brian said abruptly. "I'll be right back." He darted out of the darkness of the barn, and crossed the yard in easy strides. He was filled with such anxiety. He stepped into the kitchen and glanced around. Hannah was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed the phone and dialed the number quickly. She picked up on the first ring.

"Hey." He said suddenly unsure of himself.

"Brian!" And he relaxed hearing her say his name so happily.

"I'm home."

"Still breathing?" She asked.

"More or less. He's out. I'm waiting for him to get home." He sighed. "I'm not sure I can . . ."

"Where are you right now?" She asked interrupting him.

"What? The kitchen."

"I'm trying to picture it. Is it a big room?"

"Not really." He answered completely confused. "Why are you . . ."

"I want to be standing in it." She said pointedly. "Some day, right where you are now, you and I will be standing."

He digested this information slowly - already picturing it. Holding Caroline's hand as they stepped into the house together. The light shining through the white curtains his mother had sewed decades ago making her blond hair shimmer. His whole body relaxed at the thought.

"I wish you were right now." He confessed. "I'm kind of terrified." She laughed.

"That - I cannot imagine!"

"Oh, give it a think. You can do it." He said surprised at how happy he was.

"When it gets too nerve wracking, think of me standing there, right beside you." She said her voice as kind as her words.

"I'd be holding your hand - hanging on for life." He said seeing it; feeling it - Caroline beside him.

"It will be okay again."

"You make me almost believe it." He sighed.

"You better go." She whispered.

"I better." He agreed.

"Call me after." She said. "Even if it is really, really late, okay?"

"I will." He sighed wishing he were braver and could say everything he felt. "Thanks honey. Thanks."

"You're welcome." And he could hear her smile through the phone. "Call me."

"I will." He repeated. "Bye."

He hung up the phone feeling so much better. He'd been just about ready to bolt -thinking of facing Adam, but for some reason even just the sound of her voice seemed to steady him.

"Listen," Hannah said startling him. He looked up to see she was standing in the doorway between the small laundry room and the kitchen. "I realized that we are about to face a pretty stressful evening - but I just want to make sure you understand when it is all over - you are gonna explain that phone call to me."

"Hannah, I . . ."

"Brian McFadden!" She said with a smile, seeing him blush. "Who is she? I think I already love her! Really? What is it about McFadden men? You were gone for 23 days!" She reached out and squeezed his arm laughing.

"Han-nah!" He groaned. "Don't tease me! I'm a wreck right now."

"I know." She said her smile growing even bigger. "So you called your girl! Oh, Brian! I am so happy for you!" She hugged him and he accepted her embrace knowing that she _was_ happy for him.

"I want you to meet her." He said at last. "Although, I'm scared to death of it too. You two together would be the end of me." He shook his head with a shy smile.

"Oh! I can't wait. This is turning out to be the most surprising day! And you," She pointed a finger at his chest, "are telling me everything!"

But he didn't even have the chance to tell Hannah her name because it was precisely at that moment that the crunch of the jeep tires on gravel, startled them both. And Brian turned away from Hannah moving to the front door with unsteady legs to face his brothers.


	12. Chapter 12

_Four days earlier . . ._

Guthrie McFadden opened his eyes with great expectations of the coming day. He was at long last, fourteen. Turning fourteen was no small thing in the McFadden family. At fourteen, you were given additional responsibilities. You were no longer a kid "helping out", but rather a full fledged ranch hand and as such, entitled to a beer at the end of a hard day. His brother Brian was in charge of beer patrol and he had waited his entire life for his brother to hand him a beer. But Brian hadn't been home in three weeks. He hadn't called. He hadn't sent word. Guthrie knew Hannah was upset, as were Adam and his brothers. He wasn't. He knew Brian would be home today. There was no way he would ever miss Guthrie's birthday - let alone, magic fourteen. He just knew that Brian would be there, like he always dreamed, to hand him his first beer.

For once, Hannah didn't have to roust him out of bed. He arrived at the breakfast table dressed and grinning.

"Must be a man now. " Daniel teased. "First time you haven't been dragged out of bed in ages!"

"Guth!" Hannah said crossing from where she'd been cooking and kissing his cheek. "Happy birthday!"

Blushing he wiped away her kiss. "Knock it off, Hannah. I'm not some kid."

"She kisses me on my birthday." Adam said coming into the room from the back porch. "I'm no kid." He kissed her as grinning she turned back to the stove.

"Well, I guess I'll have to remind myself you are grown." She said with her back to him. "Just promise me you won't turn into a smelly yahoo like the rest of them."

Ford leaned over taking a dramatic whiff of Guthrie. "Too late." He told her laughing.

"Shut up, Ford!" Guthrie gave his older brother a shove.

"You were my last hope, Guth." Hannah shook her head.

Guthrie took this ribbing good-naturedly. He felt an excitement. He couldn't wait to see Brian, who he had been missing terribly. Adam and Brian were his first parents, and while he loved Hannah deeply, it wasn't the same as having Brian around.

"Well, now. I see the birthday boy crawled out of bed." Crane said coming in and pouring himself a cup of coffee. "Seems to me we've got something for him around here. Don't we?" Sipping his coffee and settling into his chair he looked up at Adam.

"Indeed we do." Adam agreed. He disappeared from sight and returned with a package. "Happy birthday, Guth." He mussed his youngest brother's hair and set the package in front of him.

"I thought presents were for dinner time." Guthrie asked perplexed. They never did presents at the breakfast table.

"Well, you've got other presents for later. This is for being the last McFadden son to turn fourteen. It's kind of a tradition." Adam explained.

Guthrie considered this thoughtfully, and then ripped into the box which revealed a pair of worn work gloves, and a pair of boots. He studied the gloves carefully.

"The gloves are the first pair Dad ever gave me." Adam said quietly. "He gave them to me when I turned fourteen. He told me I was more than ready for a man's work, and so are you, Guthrie." He smiled at his younger brother.

"The boots were Dad's." Daniel told him quietly. "We all got to pick something to keep when we packed up all their stuff, and we decided to save these for you. They should fit you now." He reached out squeezing Guthrie's shoulder.

Guthrie ran a finger over the worn leather wonderingly. He tried to imagine the man who had worn these boots, but whenever he focused on his younger years, it was Adam and Brian who he saw - not the father he lost at two.

"They aren't new, but Hannah fixed 'em up real nice for you." Adam said huskily. "Anywho, we thought we'd give 'em to you now, in case you wanted to wear 'em."

"Thanks." Guthrie's voice was soft. He glanced around the table at his brothers - missing both Evan who was out on the rodeo circuit still, and Brian. _They should've waited 'til tonight_. He thought to himself. _Then Brian could be here too. _Instead he said, "Thanks a lot." He hugged the boots to his chest and then scooted his chair back to put them on. He was amazed when they fit. He couldn't think of anything to say, but instead glanced across the room and said, "Hannah's crying." Adam looked away from him then, and rising went to her with a grin.

"You seem to have that effect on her." Adam said wrapping his arms around her.

"Don't blame him." She said leaning into his embrace. "I swear, no one would believe me if I told them! You are the sweetest boys I've ever . . ."

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Hannah." Daniel said cutting her off. "You really are such a girl sometimes."

"All the time!" Adam remarked with a grin, kissing her cheek. "Leave her alone fellas."

She moved out of Adam's arms and crossed to where Guthrie stood having slid his feet into his father's boots.

"They look good, Guth." She told him.

"They're a little big." He said with a shrug.

"You'll grow." She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly and was surprised when he willingly submitted to her embrace.

"Thanks." He said as she released him. "That was the best present. I can't imagine anything better."

"Wait 'til tonight buddy." Crane told him, and glancing at the clock said, "You fellas better dig in if you hope to eat before you make that bus."

They all turned their attention back to breakfast and Guthrie quickly bolted down his food. He ran back upstairs to grab his backpack which had somehow been left at the end of the hall. Rushing downstairs he hollered out, "Good bye!" to Hannah and rushed out to the bus stop with Ford at his side

"Too bad you got school on your birthday." Ford remarked

"A couple of girls might fuss about it." Guthrie said with a grin. "Not the worst thing in the world."

"I guess not."

"Plus tonight I get to drink a beer at last! I been waiting forever! I can't wait to sit down with Brian and knock one back." He grinned at his brother, and then climbed aboard the yellow school bus that had pulled up in front of them.

Ford paused, watching Guthrie climb up. He shifted his back pack nervously. He was pretty sure that Brian wasn't going to be there to hand Guthrie his first beer. He hoped the kid wouldn't be completely crushed.

***7***

At first he didn't want to eat dinner. He wanted to wait, but he also didn't want to make a big deal about things. Brian was always late - always running behind schedule. He picked at his dinner trying _not_ to catch Hannah's eye. Sometimes it seemed like she could see right through him.

They gave him presents after dinner, and he hadn't really wanted to open them, but did. Daniel gave him a shovel - so he could muck out the stables in style. Guthrie had just shook his head as Daniel had laughed hysterically.

"Welcome to the real life of a ranch hand!" Daniel said.

"Yeah, I've never mucked out a stable before." Guthrie said irritably.

Hannah had made him a new shirt, and Adam, Crane and Evan had all pitched in on a new saddle. It was a real beauty.

"That'll look good on Daisy." Crane told him with a grin.

Guthrie sighed. Brothers could be such pains sometimes. It was true that his horse was _technically_ named Daisy. He'd got her a year ago from a rescue shelter. Some rich girl had been given a horse for her birthday and had almost immediately lost interest. The horse had suffered from neglect and was eventually taken away from the family who had no understanding of the responsibilities associated with owning a horse. Guthrie had renamed her Charger because she loved to run, but his brothers almost always called her Daisy - just to get at him.

"_Charger_ will appreciate it." He said pointedly.

They all laughed but he kept his eye on the front window and the long drive that led to their front door.

"Cake!" Hannah said rising to bring it in as Crane began clearing away the wrapping paper.

"Shouldn't we wait?" Guthrie asked.

"For what pal?" Crane asked scooping the papers into the trash.

"For . . ." Guthrie hesitated feeling a burning at the back of his throat. "Nothing." He said at last.

They carried the cake in, singing. It was double strawberry. She'd made his favorite and he blew out the candles as they cheered. And then Daniel set a beer on the table.

Guthrie could take no more. He had really, truly believed that Brian would be here. He was stunned to realize that Brian wasn't coming - might never come back. He blinked at the beer, and dropped his fork. Rising, he pushed back from the table and ran out the front door and down the long, long drive. He ran hard - harder than he ever did on a timed run at school and when he reached the end of the drive, he stood panting. He stood scanning the horizon even still; even as the sky grew dark.

***7***

Hannah stood where she was frozen. Her hand still held the cake knife aloft. "Adam?" She looked up at him.

"He thought Brian would be home." Ford said quietly. "He told me that Brian would be here for his birthday."

"He should be!" Crane said angrily, startling them all. Crane's temper was a sharp as any McFadden's but it was rare. "I can't believe he didn't even call him! What a complete jackass!" He glanced up. "Sorry, Hannah."

"I'm half-inclined to agree with you, Crane." She said setting the cake knife down.

"It's my fault." Adam said to them. "You both know where the blame lies."

"It was your fault that he got mad in the first place," Crane told him. "But holding a grudge - that's just Brian being stubborn! He could've at least sent a damn card!" Crane turned and stormed up the stairs and Adam sighed feeling the weight of caring for all of his brothers.

"I'll go talk to Crane." Daniel said, surprising Adam with his calmness. "Don't worry. You know Crane. He'll yell and curse, and then apologize a hundred times afterwards."

Adam nodded and went down the front steps and headed down the drive. He wasn't too surprised to hear footsteps following behind him. Without looking back, he stretched his long arm out behind him, his hand open. Her hand latched onto his almost immediately as she fell in step beside him. They found him at the very end of the drive kicking at the dirt with the toe of his boot; his father's boot.

"Guthrie." Hannah said softly.

"I don't feel much like talking." He said stiffly. "It was stupid anyway."

"It wasn't stupid." Adam said gently. "Guthrie, I'm sorry."

"It was stupid. I'm fourteen years old for God's sake! And me, acting like some kid; some baby! I was an idiot to think he'd come home for a stupid kid's birthday!" He turned away from them both.

"You aren't a stupid kid." Adam stepped closer to him, his heart aching for his baby brother. "You are a good man, Guth. You miss him and you want him home. We all do."

"But wishing doesn't make things come true." Guthrie said turning to meet Adam's eyes. "He isn't coming back, Adam. He's gone for good."

"He won't be gone forever." Adam's eyes filled with tears. "He wouldn't do that to you. We just got to be patient."

"You've called him and he won't even talk to you." Guthrie said. "I heard you."

"I have." Adam sighed.

"So has she." Guthrie nodded at Hannah. "Adam, he won't even talk to _her_."

"This is my fault, Guthrie. Don't be mad at Brian. I screwed up. I told you that."

"Yeah, and _you_ apologized." Guthrie said. "He hasn't. He hasn't said one damn word to me - not even on my fourteenth birthday!"

"Guthrie, this is just temporary." Hannah said and Adam was surprised at the steadiness of her voice. "Brian loves you. You _know_ that. He's just mixed up and hurt right now. He's entitled to some time for himself. Most men his age . . ." She stopped realizing she was headed into dangerous territory.

"You think I don't know that?" He asked her angrily. "They live with the burden of raising us, and we live with the burden of understanding all the things we took from them. You don't have to remind me! That's how I know he's gone for good! Him not coming home for my birthday shows he's done with it; done with me. I don't blame him. You are right. He doesn't need me clinging to him like some stupid baby. I'm grown."

"You aren't a burden." Adam said with wide eyes. "How could you think that! It isn't like that, Guthrie. You're my brother! We raised you - Brian and me. We love you."

"Yeah, well sometimes love kind of sucks, doesn't it? I mean, you could've gone to college, Adam. And he would probably have left the day he turned eighteen - got to see some of the world. Or who knows, maybe if he hadn't had to quit playing ball - he'd be playing for real now. I don't blame him for going. I just wish . . ." His voice was choked by tears. "I just wish he'd called or at least . . .said . . .good bye." He ducked his head sobbing quietly.

"Oh, Guth." Hannah said pulling him into her arms, and leaning down he cried against her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She glanced up at Adam who had set his jaw in a hard line. He blinked rapidly and turned, striding on long legs across the field and disappearing into the trees.

***7***

It was pitch black when Daniel found him. Seeing his younger brother there, he felt stupid for running off - felt like he was acting more like a fourteen year old, than Guthrie.

"You had us worried, Adam." Daniel said. "Hannah's pacing like a tiger."

"I'm sorry." He rose from where he'd sat on the edge of a large rock that overlooked the valley below. "I was acting stupid. We best get back."

Daniel watched the side of his brother's face as they walked back to the ranch. Neither of them talked for a long time. "This isn't your fault, Adam." Daniel said softly.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Adam spun around and faced Daniel. "It _is_ my fault! I treated him badly! I hit him! I threw him out!"

"You've yelled at me lots of times." Daniel said with a grin. "_I'm_ still here."

Adam shook his head. "You weren't there, Danny. You don't understand. I was really . . .I . . .I lost my temper."

"You've lost your temper lots of times." Daniel watched as Adam threw his hands up in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. "I messed everything up and broke Guthrie's heart. You should have seen him. God! And all of you . . .this whole thing! I should have talked to her in the first place - talked to all of you! I can't take the sound of them crying. I can't take it!"

"You didn't give them reason to cry. He did. You are here." Daniel said pointedly. "You would never run off."

Adam reached out and squeezed Daniel's should with a sigh. "Dan, I just did."

***7***

She stood where she was when he steeped into the house, but he could tell from her saucer-big eyes that later she'd cling to him sobbing, her heart broken just like his; just like their youngest. He sighed moving to sit across from where she sat on the couch beside Guthrie, who leaned against her shoulder.

"Sorry for taking off, Guth."

"That's okay." He sighed. "I just want today to be over, I guess."

"You want some cake?" Hannah asked as she ran her fingers through his hair and Adam felt such ache seeing what a good mother she was; a longing for this one dream of hers to be fulfilled. He was doubly wounded then - for Guthrie's broken heart and for her and all she'd lost.

"No thanks. I'm gonna go to bed." He rose. "Thanks for everything. It was . . . You all tried real hard. I appreciate it. Thanks for dinner and the cake, Hannah. Thanks." He turned from them all then and rushed upstairs to Ford and Evan's room where he'd been sleeping while Evan was gone.

Hannah rose to follow him, but Crane caught her arm.

"Let him go, honey." He told her gently, putting an arm around her shoulders. "Sometimes a man's gotta cry alone."

She bit her lower lip and looked up at Adam with eyes full of tears. He nodded at her, his eyes equally bright, as he shifted his jaw from side to side. He thought he'd been angry with Brian before when they'd fought. That anger now seemed like child's play compared with what burned inside him now.

_Four days later . . ._

The memory of Guthrie's fourteenth birthday flashed before him, as stunned, Adam saw Brian step out onto the porch. He gripped the steering wheel of the jeep tight and glanced at his brothers who had been chatting happily, until they, too had seen Brian.

"You boys take care of Diablo." Adam said his hand on the door. "I'll . . . I'll take care of this."

He felt strong fingers clutch his shoulder.

"Adam?" Guthrie's voice sounded young and unsure.

"Go on buddy. Help Evan. Let me talk to him, okay?" He tried to keep his voice even.

"Yes, sir." Guthrie squeezed his shoulder and slowly climbed out of the jeep, following Evan and Ford to the trailer hitched to the back.

Adam climbed out and stood in front of the jeep starring at Brian who stood on the porch. Daniel, Crane and Hannah emerged from the house.

"Daniel, can you get that trailer unhitched?" Adam asked his eyes locked on Brian's. "And it was slipping again when I shifted to third."

"I'll look at it." Daniel said climbing down the stairs.

"I'll give you a hand." Crane said following on his heels.

"I was hoping we could talk." Brian said to him at last.

"Yeah, I guess we ought to." Adam said, finally breaking eye contact with Brian and shifting his gaze to his wife. Determined to do a better job of communicating his feelings he said, "You alright, girl?"

She nodded giving him a warm smile. "I'm fine."

He nodded. "I hate to ask, baby, but could you check on Guth?"

She glanced at Brian and giving his arm a gentle squeeze as she passed him, she went down the steps to Adam.

"You don't need to ask, sweetheart." She said reaching up and rubbing the side of his face with her soft fingers. She glanced behind her at Brian and standing on tiptoe, gave her husband a gentle kiss. She turned to leave the two of them but he caught her wrist.

"I love you, girl." He said, his eyes locked on hers.

"Talk to your brother, Adam J. Fix it." Her voice was steady but he could see an ocean of tears hiding inside. "Fix it for me; for all of us."

He released her hand then, and she disappeared inside the darkness if the barn where she would no doubt wrap loving arms around all of his brothers, comforting them as any good mother would. He sighed and turned his attention back to Brian.

"Come on." He told him. "I guess we better talk."

Brian came down the steps and followed Adam around the side of the house to the garden their mother had planted when they were just toddlers who found great joy playing together.

Adam stood and faced Brian and realized his fists were clenched. He relaxed his fingers. He was not the same man, Brian had left behind twenty-three days ago. As his eyes met Brian's he realized wonderingly, Brian wasn't the same either; for good or ill, this fight had changed them both.


	13. Chapter 13

Adam said nothing, deciding to let Brian do the talking. He studied his brother and waited. Brian was clearly unnerved by Adam's silence, and realizing that he was waiting, finally spoke.

"I . . .I should've called you or something, I guess." Brian began hesitantly. "I was too . . .I didn't know what to say."

"Happy birthday." Adam said his voice tight with anger.

"What?" Brian asked perplexed.

"Happy birthday." Adam repeated.

"Adam, my birthday is in August, remember?"

"You said you didn't know what to say when you called. You could have said happy birthday."

Brian swallowed hard, understanding the source of Adam's anger.

"I'm sorry about Guthrie." Brian began again. "I am. I'll talk to him and work that out, but that's not why you and I are standing here."

"Guthrie's needs are more important than yours and mine." Adam said stiffly. "He waited for you, Brian. He stood at the end of that damn driveway scanning the road for you."

"Adam, I'm sorry about that." Brian sighed feeling the weight of guilt.

"And he cried when he realized you weren't gonna come. And she did, too." He glared at Brian.

"Look, Adam, I get it. I should've been here. I screwed _that_ up, too. If you're trying to make me feel like shit, good job."

"I'm not trying to do anything Brian. I'm just telling you what happened." Adam shifted on his feet.

"But all of this has nothing to do with you and me." Brian said.

"The hell it doesn't!" Adam fought to keep himself from yelling.

"No, that's not what I meant. It has nothing to do with _why _I wasn't here." Brian said pointedly. "And maybe it's just a distraction to keep you from talking about what you really want to say."

Adam shook his head and turned away from Brian. He stepped to the edge of the garden and sat on the bench that his father had built for his mother on her thirty-second birthday.

"Why didn't you take my calls?" Adam asked at last. "Why didn't you at least talk to her?"

Brian stepped closer to where Adam sat. "I don't know. At first I was too ashamed. I thought I'd knocked her down, and I couldn't think about it without feeling sick to my stomach. And later, I don't know, I can't really explain it. It was like I'd stepped away from my life - like I was somewhere really far away." He shook his head.

"You didn't knock her down. She lost her balance." Adam said quietly. "And the reason she fell is on both of us. If I'd managed my damn temper better it never would've happened."

"She told me. She sent me a note after I wouldn't talk to her." Brian sighed and studied Adam thoughtfully. "You're holding back. I know you are furious."

"I am." Adam said flatly.

"Why?"

"Because . . ." Adam sighed. "My temper has never done me any good. And much as I want to scream and yell, and shove you around, it won't change things. It won't change how Guthrie feels, or the rest of them. They are all pretty pissed at you." He rose and stood at the edge of the garden. "Brian, you know it always has to be about them first."

Brian considered this, but simply said, "And?"

"And a lot of what you said was true." Adam rose and stood at the edge of the garden. "I should've talked to her. She was hurting because I hadn't, and it wasn't fair what I was doing to them; to you." He straightened his shoulders and faced his brothers. "And, I'm sorry, Brian."

Brian drew back stunned. He stumbled backwards collapsing on the bench that Adam had just left. He lifted his hand, covering his face.

"You shouldn't be apologizing to me." He choked out. "I ran away. I ran away like some scared kid."

"You didn't run. I threw you out."

"I don't understand." Brian said looking up at Adam. "You are furious. Why are you being so . . ."

"I've had time to think about it. If you had come back four days ago, I probably would've knocked you on your ass. Listening to Guthrie cry like that." Adam shook his head. "He's really brokenhearted, Brian. I don't know if you're gonna be able to fix that." He met his brother's eyes. "But I've done a lot of thinking, and Hannah and me, been talking."

Brian looked up feeling suddenly terrified. "You are sending me away?" His voice was soft.

"No, it isn't like that." Adam shook his head. "It's just that you don't have to be here every day. Crane and Daniel are good help, and so are Ford and Guthrie. I know I'll lose Ford after the summer, but I still got two more years to work Guthrie to death. Day to day, we don't need all of us here. It's just round up, and calving that we would need you."

"You are kicking me out!" Brian repeated and this time there was anger. "I make one mistake and what, it's not Circle Bar _Seven_ anymore?"

"Brian, you are taking this the wrong way." Adam said. "I'm trying to give you a life of your own."

"I have a life of my own, or at least I thought I did."

"Why are you making this so difficult?" Adam asked angrily.

"I'm sorry for not cooperating as you kick me out of the house!"

"You left!"

"For three weeks. I've been here every day taking care of things year after year! But you can't grant me any grace. You gotta be the man, even still and punish me. You aren't my father, Adam! And I'm not some little boy who needs punishing!"

"I'm no one's father." Adam spit back. "I've no children."

Brian turned pale, and, despite his anger, felt a wave of compassion for his brother. "Adam. . ."

"No! I'm sick to death of everyone complaining about the way I boss them! I never asked to be anyone's boss! I was leaving Brian. I was just about to go to school and then you could have had this whole damn ranch! You think I don't want a life of my own! You think I don't want to run away and ignore any calls! My poor damn wife can't even get a minute alone with me! There's always somebody who needs something. Hell, she's probably crying right now, but I'm not with her, and she's not with me; because of my brothers!"

Adam turned away from Brian, waving a hand at him. "Whatever," He said. "Forget it." He stormed away through the back gate of the garden and out to the pasture. He stood at the edge of the fence. Brian didn't follow him immediately, trying to understand all that Adam had said; trying to process his own thoughts. Finally, he went to Adam.

"So, you're solution to being sick and tired of being in charge is to send me away?" Brian said to him without any preamble. "Seems to me if you really wanted to punish me, you'd go and leave me here."

"Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind." Adam said angrily. He shook his head at Brian.

"I've never been anywhere but here." Brian said quietly. "I've never lived in any other house."

"Neither have I." Adam said flatly.

"But you found a way out." Brian pointed out. "With her; you've got a piece of your own life."

"Can't you see that's what I'm trying to give you! It doesn't have to be you anymore. I've got help. I've got her. You can be free of it. After all these years shouldn't one of us be free of it?"

"So you kick me out. You found a replacement. Someone who can take my job; do a better job of it." Brian turned away angrily. "Same old, same old, huh Adam? You're the saint and I'm the sinner."

"That's not true, Brian. You _know _that's not true." Adam sighed. "That whole Adam-the-saint-crap pisses me off and you know it. I have always known who took care of those boys - who cleaned up after the messes I'd left behind. I've never been confused, Brian."

"But you are kicking me out and sending me away." Brian said stubbornly.

"No." Adam said. "I'm saying maybe you should take time for yourself. It's a luxury we can finally afford. And I can't think of a better man to spend it on."

"That sounds like a compliment." Brian said begrudgingly. "But really means, 'Get lost!'"

"No. Why would I want to send you away? You work harder than any man I've ever known. And you've put up with my endless rages. You raised them into the men they are. But it'd be selfish for me to continue to keep you tied here. You deserve a life apart. You deserve to find a sweet, girl too. You are twenty-seven, Brian. You shouldn't be alone. You'd be a good husband, and you are a good father." Adam looked up at him embarrassed. "I should know. I've been married to you for the last twelve years."

Brian laughed in spite of his hurt, and anger. He found tears gathering at the corner of his eyes. Adam had never been quick with praise for him, and he felt overwhelmed. It was impossible to deal with joy, rage, anger, fear, hurt and gratefulness all at once.

He drew in a deep breath, and looking up said, "I'm really sorry, Adam. I am. I'm sorry about that day, and not just because of Hannah. I should've been patient with you. You were so hurt! I don't know how you manage it. You just keep going and going - you never had time to deal with any of it. If anyone needs to take time for himself - it's you."

Adam ducked his head, hiding tears. "Well," He said huskily. "Are we gonna fight over who's the better martyr now?"

"Maybe." Brian laughed. "We're pretty good at competing."

"Yeah." Adam agreed. He rose from where he'd been leaning against the fence line and stood before Brian. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for treating you like crap the last few weeks. I'm sorry for never saying thank you to you. I should've been better at that. I could never, ever had done it - not without you. And you gave up just as much as me - maybe more because you chose to stay in my shadow."

"I was born in your shadow, Adam." Brian said with a grin. "Where else am I supposed to live?"

"Anywhere you want, Bri." Adam said, embracing his brother as tears fell. "You can live any damn place you want."

"Then I choose here." Brian said holding his brother tight. "This is my ranch and my family. I don't want to give that up." He felt Adam's body relax as he exhaled in relief at these words. "But," Brian added cautiously. "There might be room for some changes."

Adam pushed away from Brian, and drawing his sleeve across his face, sniffed and studied his brother's face thoughtfully. His eyes widened with shock and he asked, "Oh my God! What's her name?"

"Caroline." Brian grinned and laughter exploded from him as his tension was replaced with joy to be reunited with his brother, and to be able to share this with him at long last.

***7***

"Guthrie's gone." Hannah said as she opened the screen door. "He took Charger. I'm pretty sure he's headed out to the Tops. Daniel and Evan went after him." She looked up at her husband and brother as they stepped together into the front room. "I'm sorry, fellas. I tried to . . ."

Adam lifted a hand to her cheek. "No, don't darlin'. You did just fine by him." He kissed her forehead.

Brian reached out and squeezed her arm, even as Adam kissed her. "He's right, Sis. This is Guthrie's first real loss." He glanced at Adam. "I should go after him."

"We should." Adam said holding Hannah against his chest.

"We're all going then." She said looking up at the two of them. "McFadden solidarity." She smiled, and squeezing Adam she released him, and called upstairs, "Ford! Crane! Come on out of hiding. We're going to the Tops!"

"How fast after you met her did you know?" Brian asked Adam.

"Ten seconds." Adam said with a grin. "Maybe faster." Brian nodded his head understanding completely.

"Know what?" Hannah asked turning back to them.

"That you are the sun, moon and stars, darlin'." Adam said with a grin. "Brian found himself a girl."

"I know." Hannah said, surprising her husband completely. She winked at Brian and grabbing his jacket tossed it to Adam. Reaching for her own said, "Come on, cowboy, try and keep up." She raised an eyebrow at him, and headed out the door.

Adam glanced at Brian. "Not remotely possible." He said with a grin, and reaching out grabbed his brother's shoulder. He glanced at Crane and Ford who were coming down the stairs together. "We better go after the Squirt."

Brian turned to Ford, "I'm really sorry, Ford. I shouldn't have left like I did."

"Let's find Guthrie. You'll have enough to deal with him." Ford said stiffly.

"Okay, man." Brian said gently. "Let's go."

***7***

They were an impressive sight. Four horses, and five strong riding towards their three brothers. Hannah rode with Adam, but whenever they all rode out together like that, Brian felt a little like someone in an old Western - backed by his brothers riding into battle. Of course this time, it was his battle and his alone. And this particular battle was with his baby brother.

Hannah was right. They had ridden out to the tops, and seeing them coming, Daniel had waved an arm at them. He could see Guthrie with Evan beside him looking angry. Guthrie had always been the happiest kid - almost never angry - except when he was left out or left behind. Even then, his temper was more hurt than anything else. This look was one Brian had never seen before. They all dismounted and formed a small circle.

"I don't want to talk to you." Guthrie said bitterly. He turned toward Adam. "I don't want to talk to him."

"Guthrie," Hannah said gently.

He turned on her angrily, "You gonna take his side?"

"Hey, watch your tone." Crane said quietly.

"I'm taking the same side, I always take, Guth; the McFadden side. Seven together and strong - it's not six." She said repeating the family's oldest line; the famous words of her father-in-law. "And you need to talk to him. You won't feel right until you do. And you know it. Trust me, Guthrie. Or is it over between us?" She raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

"You aren't being fair, Hannah." He said stubbornly. "I don't want to talk to him."

"I know you don't, sweetheart." Her voice was gentle. "But sometimes a man has to do what he doesn't want to." She glanced at Brian.

"I screwed up big time, Guthrie." Brian said. "I am so sorry that I missed your birthday. I am so sorry that I stayed away so long. I shouldn't have done it. I should have called you guys."

"Why didn't you?" Guthrie asked through clenched teeth.

"I don't know." He shook his head. "I know that's not a good answer, but I don't."

"You don't have to spare my feelings. I'm not a little kid. I can take it."

"I'm not sparing your feelings, Guth." Brian said perplexed.

"You left because you're sick of it. Sick of us." He spread his arms out to include all his brothers. "Sick of me." He studied his boots. "I don't blame you. You both must be. I know what a pain in the ass I've been! You'd have been free of it so long ago if it weren't for me. You think I'm too young, too stupid to understand."

"Guthrie!" Adam said completely shocked.

"No, Guth." Brian said stepping close to put a hand on his brother's arm, but Guthrie stepped backwards and away. "No. We didn't feel that way. You were ours. Our boy - Adam and me."

"This isn't some damn newspaper article, Brian. This is the truth. _I_ trapped you here. Me. More than any of them. They were all older - in school. I'm the reason you quit sports, Brian. I'm the reason you switched out of college prep classes. Me."

"It wasn't like that." Brian said to him.

"Yeah, it was." Guthrie said and turning, ran away from the circle; away from his family.

Brian glanced at his brothers, his eyes finally resting on Adam and Hannah. He sighed.

"Nice going." Evan said angrily. "What the hell's wrong with you! You couldn't swallow your pride long enough for the kid's birthday?"

"That's enough, Evan." Adam said quickly.

"No, Adam. He's right. I deserve that and more." Brian sighed heavily. "You folks might want to head back. This might take a while."

"We'll set up camp." Hannah said with a soft smile. "We'll wait right here."

Brian turned to his sister, and wrapped his arms around her. "Thank you." He said softly into her hair. Releasing her, he glanced at Adam. "I'll be back."

"You got it." Adam said. "I'm not worried."

Brian met his brother's dark eyes, and swallowed hard. "Thanks, man."

He strode away from them, in quick strides, listening as Hannah's soft voice easily commanded his five wild, stallion brothers. He half-wished he'd brought her with him. Guthrie was clearly deeply wounded, and carrying more baggage than they'd ever realized. He sighed, scanning the horizon, trying to build up hope in his heart; trying to convince himself that despite his errors he was still a good parent and that this rift could be mended.


	14. Chapter 14

Guthrie McFadden had two solid core beliefs that he kept tucked inside himself. They were the very foundation on which he stood: Your first loyalty was to your family; your brothers and none of them were truly orphans; they were beloved members of a solid family. Brian had violated both and he found that hard to manage.

Although, technically an orphan, he had never really felt the sting of loss. He had no memories of his parents. He had grown up at the center of a loving family. He had been encouraged, hugged, and kissed. His childhood hadn't been all that different from his friends who had parents. He been lectured, grounded, corrected, and taught just as they had. At night he'd sat down to dinner which included vegetables that he was commanded by his elders to eat. He was raised just like any other kid with people who watched over him, told him what to do and who tucked him in at night, leaning down to give him a kiss.

The only longing he'd ever had was one that had been deeply hidden and tucked away; a buried secret kept even from himself. It was only the first time that Hannah had smiled lovingly at him, that he had discovered he secretly longed for the sweet, steady love of a living, breathing mother.

And now it felt like everything he knew, everything he'd been taught, had come undone; that he himself was coming undone. He felt the bitter sting of betrayal and worst of all the wound had been delivered by a brother; a brother he had admired.

He stood at the edge of a ridge filled with a fury he couldn't quite seem to manage. He didn't know what to do about Brian. He hadn't thought for even a second that Brian had truly left; would truly leave. It violated everything he'd been taught about brother solidarity which had been drummed into him over and over and over. Adam and Brian had taught him the value of loyalty and of forgiveness, but he wasn't sure that he could apply their lessons to the dark sorrow in his heart. He heard the crunch of footsteps and knew when he turned his head, he would see Brian. He felt a strong desire to run and keep running, without ever looking back.

"Hey, partner." Brian began.

"Don't call me that." Guthrie said angrily.

"Okay." Brian shrugged and stared out into the distance unable to meet Guthrie's angry eyes. "I guess you are pretty mad."

"No. I don't care." Guthrie responded stiffly. "It doesn't matter to me. You do whatever you want."

"Guth. . ." Brian began, deeply hurt by his younger brother's air of indifference. "I can't begin to explain things to you. Did Adam tell you we fought? I hit him, Guth. We . . . it was a really horrible fight."

"He told me."

"And it was all right in front of Hannah." Brian shook his head. "I was so ashamed. I can't begin to explain to you how ashamed I was."

Guthrie glanced over at Brian who stood just to his left. "She's not mad at you."

"The hell she's not! She's pissed! But you know Hannah, she cares more about us than herself. She'll do whatever it takes so that you are okay. You're the reason she's so mad at me."

"Did you think about us at all?" His voice was a whisper.

"I thought about you every day; all the time." Brian took a step closer to Guthrie.

"But you didn't call. You didn't come home."

"No."

Guthrie sighed and stepped away from Brian. "I'm not stupid. I'm not some little kid, Brian. I know how sick of it you guys must be! I wouldn't want to have the rest of my life decided by a bunch of little kids. In two years I'll be as old as you were. I'm as older now than Crane was. I can't imagine it."

Brian studied Guthrie thoughtfully. "It isn't like that, Guthrie."

"Don't try and act like it didn't suck. It did! It still does. You spend your whole life taking care of us! Adam's just lucky Hannah's crazy. You should be finishing college. You should be getting married or running around having a good time. I _feel_ guilty about it! And this . . . you running off! What right do I have to be mad or hurt?" He turned away from Brian.

"Guthrie . . ." He sighed. "What if Adam and Hannah did have a baby? And what if something happened to them? What would you want to do?" He looked into his younger brother's eyes.

"I . . . Brian." Guthrie sighed.

"No. what would you want to do?"

"I don't know . . ." Guthrie tried to avoid the question.

"Yeah, you do." Brian smiled at Guthrie, who stilled refused to answer. "You would do everything in your power to hold onto that baby, and make sure they understood how much they were loved. You would hold them close and sing to them, and tell them all kinds of stories about how sweet their mama was and how much their dad loved them."

"Brian . . ." Guthrie sighed. "I still took your life from you - you and Adam both. You wouldn't have had that fight if it wasn't for me."

Brian laughed. "Guthrie, Adam and I have been fighting since the day I was born! You know how it is with older brothers! They also think they know better. They are always acting like you are stupid and don't know anything!" He reached out and squeezed Guthrie's shoulder. "It's not easy growing up with brothers always telling you what to do."

"No." Guthrie agreed. He looked up at Brian. "But it was my birthday."

"Yeah. I screwed up, Guthrie. I really did."

"I waited all day long. I kept thinking you'd be there. I was so stupid." He swallowed down angry tears. "They kept telling me that you might be gone a long time; that you might choose not to come back, but I didn't listen. I didn't believe them. I knew you'd never, ever miss my birthday." He exhaled slowly and said with an aching that struck Brian to his core, "But you did."

"I was so busy thinking about myself, and my hurts. I don't know what to say Guthrie. I hurt you. I know that. I hurt you really badly. And I deserve your anger. I deserve everyone's anger. How can I possibly expect anyone to forgive me?" He hung his head. "I got lost."

Guthrie moved away from Brian and climbed up onto a large boulder, settling himself down. He sat silently, gazing out over the trees and mountains beyond. He used to come and sit here, and try to imagine what it would've been like to be on roundup with his father. He tried to imagine the man with dark hair and dark eyes that he'd seen in countless pictures alive and talking to him. He wondered what Adam, Sr. would say now about all of this; about Brian. What would his father think of him?

"Am I like him at all?" He asked Brian. "Or her? Is there anything about me that makes you think of them?"

Brian crossed to where his little brother sat and climbed up beside him. "Everything, Guth." His voice thick with unshed tears. "Everything."

Guthrie turned toward him, chewing at the corner of his lip. "You smile like her and your laugh sounds like hers. You're really funny like he was, and when you get nervous or upset, you dig your right toe in - he always did that - especially if Mama was yelling at him."

"She yelled at him?"

"Not yelled really. Kind of like when Hannah's pointing out to Adam that he messed up."

"Oh. I wish I could remember." Guthrie turned away from Brian.

"I wish you could too, pal. I wish you didn't have to remember." He put an arm around Guthrie's shoulders. "You've got her sweetness. You always have. It was pretty tough there in the beginning, but you made it bearable. I'd be so tired from school, the ranch, the brothers, and you'd crawl up into my lap - and it sort melted all away. You didn't trap us, Guthrie. You saved us."

Guthrie turned toward Brian, surprised to see tears in his older brother's eyes.

"And that's why I feel so bad about your birthday. Whatever goes on between Adam and me should never hurt you or anyone else, and this did. I know that. I know that I hurt you badly, and all the others too." He turned and looked in Guthrie's eyes. "But you gotta know even though I really screwed up, I love you, Guth. I do. And I'm so sorry. I don't think I can explain how sorry I am."

Guthrie said nothing, but leaned into Brian's embrace, burying his face in his brother's shoulder, crying. Brian held him tightly and didn't hold back from tears, so relieved to finally be able to put his arms around his youngest brother.

"I'm really sorry." He repeated.

"You owe me a beer." Guthrie said at long last, sitting back from Brian and wiping tears out of his eyes.

"That's right." Brian said with a grin. "I do." Guthrie nodded smiling at him, and even though he was fourteen, Brian leaned in and kissed his cheek like he had when he was just a toddler. Guthrie shook his head and wiped the kiss away irritated.

"Geez, Bri. Knock it off. I said, 'Beer' not kiss."

"Lighten up, Baby Brother." Brian said, the tightness in his chest finally loosening. Of course, he still had deal with Evan and Ford. A beer was sounding pretty good. "You think I should go face the rest of them?"

"If I were you, I'd run the other way." Guthrie laughed.

"Yeah. Pretty tempting. Who's your money on? Me or Ford?"

"Ford's pretty ticked." Guthrie considered. "'Course Hannah's probably been talking his ear off trying to get him to see reason."

"There's hope then." Brian said cheerfully.

"There's always hope." Guthrie agreed. He hopped down off the boulder. "Come on, brother, time to cowboy up and face that bull."

"I already did." Brian said hopping down and reaching out and running a hand through Guthrie's hair.

***7***

They could smell camp, long before they got there. Their stomachs would've driven them back if nothing else.

"You packed food?" Guthrie asked wonderingly, stepping into camp.

"Listen, I've gotten smart over time. You boys are always having some crisis or another. I just keep a bag packed and ready to go." Hannah said turning from where she was stirring a large pot of stew. She reached out wrapped her arms around Guthrie, kissing him. "You okay?"

"I'm okay, Mom." He said returning her kiss, and moving away before his brothers teased him. "Look, Brian screwed up. He apologized." He told them. "I know you're ticked off, Ford and it is for my sake, but its okay now. I mean, what he did wasn't okay, but everybody screws up." He shrugged his shoulders, and looked down at his older brother. "Well, 'cept maybe Crane."

"Oh, Crane's screwed up plenty." Daniel said good-naturedly. "You ever notice his stories about college seem to skip his second year?"

"Listen, Dan'l. If we start telling the stories we know, it won't be pretty." Crane pointed out. "You don't want to injure Hannah's sensibilities. She's been through enough."

"Always thinking of others." Daniel said to Crane with a grin. He turned to Ford. "What do you say Ford? You and Evan wanna lay in a few good hits on Brian before we call it even?"

"Maybe." Evan said, eyeing Brian. Brian felt his whole body tense at the sharp tone of his volatile brother. "But, he's kind of old. It seems wrong to hit an old guy like him." He turned to Ford. "I say you and me make a pact to completely ignore his next birthday."

"That seems fair." Ford agreed. Brian exhaled then, and shaking his head moved to the campfire where Adam had just tossed on another log. He sat down beside his older brother. "I may have aged seventy years today."

"Sounds like your average day at the Circle Bar Seven." Adam reached behind him, and pulled out a beer. "Throw the kid a beer, and you can relax by telling us all about this girl of yours." Adam grinned maliciously as his brothers exploded with questions. Ignoring them, Brian rose and crossed the campfire, handing the beer can to Guthrie who, looked up into his older brother's eyes with admiration and love.


	15. Chapter 15

Caroline paced nervously, straightening her hair for the five hundredth time. She sighed as Brian came around the corner.

"You look a little stressed." He said to her with a laugh.

"I didn't think I'd be this nervous!" He took her hand and kissed her cheek.

"Really? Well, you look beautiful if that makes you feel better." He told her grinning.

"I guess it does."

"It makes _me_ feel better." He kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her.

"Hey! Come on!" Adam said stepping out on the porch. "Knock that off, you two! Everyone is ready." He disappeared back inside.

"Ready?" Brian asked.

"I am." She smiled up into his face, and reaching for her hand he led her inside. The entire family was gathered and Caroline took her place beside Hannah as they all celebrated the marriage of Crane and Elizabeth.

***7***

The newlyweds had already left, headed for a week in Monterey, and most of the wedding guests had left. Brian and Adam sat on the wide front porch, ties loosened and feet up.

"Well, ol' Crane is married." Adam said with a sigh.

"Yup." Brian agreed.

"And you are next." Adam grinned at his brother.

"I'd marry her today, but she's got some crazy idea about a big party with family."

"Women." Adam said tipping his beer at Brian.

"What are you gonna do?" Brian agreed with a shrug.

"Well, if you're smart, marry her. I like her. She's the only one I know, besides my bride, who can make you mind your manners. I like it."

"You enjoy people who put me in my place."

"I do. I really do." Adam laughed. "You see how Marlene took to her?"

"Uh huh. Marlene's happy as a clam. _Three_ McFadden women!" Brian grinned. "Mom would've enjoyed that."

"She would have."

"How's the beer holding out?" Hannah asked, stepping out onto the porch.

"So far, so good, sweetheart." Adam reached out wrapping a long arm around her waist as she sat on the arm of his chair.

"Good, you can share." She held out her hand and he handed her the bottle.

"Easy there, darlin'." He said laughing.

"Oh, one sip." She leaned over kissing his forehead. "What did you think of the dry run, Brian?"

"Nice party."

"You're next." She grinned at him. "Just four months."

"If you are trying to stress me out, no luck. The only thing that makes me nervous is the ceremony. I'm not nervous about the girl at all. What did you do with her, anyway?"

"She's being instructed in the ways of McFadden cowboys by Marlene." Hannah said. "She's getting off easy. Imagine, marrying into this family with your eyes wide open and with _instructions_!"

"Oh, but you were a pioneer, honey. These new Mrs. McFadden's got it easy!" Adam said kissing her cheek.

"No, Mrs. McFadden has it easy." She said laughing.

"Han - nah! She's crying! What do I do?" Guthrie asked from inside.

"Pick her up." Hannah said laughing. "Bring her out."

Guthrie emerged on carrying a small, pink bundle. He stepped out onto the porch.

"See, she stopped. She was just lonesome for her Uncle." Hannah said smiling up at Guthrie.

"Brother." Guthrie corrected. He looked down into the face of his niece. "She's really small."

"So were you, little brother." Brian told him. "She's a lot quieter than you ever were!"

"That's for sure." Adam agreed, as his baby daughter clutched at his outstretched finger.

Guthrie turned his bundle over to her mother. "You want a glass of water or something, Hannah?" He asked her, smoothing the hair on his niece/sister's head.

"No thank you. So, did you tell Marly yet?" She looked up at him.

"No. It was too nice a day. She was all happy about the wedding and dressed up. It seemed mean." He sighed.

"Guthrie! You need to tell her." Hannah said looking up at him.

"She'll cry." Guthrie said softly.

"Well, girls do that." Hannah said. "So do cowboys, for that matter. She knows you are planning on college. She needs to know that UCLA is already talking to you. It will help for later."

"I'm just a junior, Hannah. We've got a whole year before I have to decide."

"It's better if she's prepared, Guth. If you think it is hard to tell her now, imagine a year from now."

"I guess." He sighed, heavily.

"You gonna marry Marly?" Brian asked with raised eyebrows.

"Marry! You people have weddings on the brain! I'm not even sixteen, Brian!"

"I thought you'd never be sixteen! Remember how far away it seemed?" Brian asked Adam.

"Hard to believe isn't it?" Adam shrugged. "He's almost the same age you were."

"I was that young?" Brian asked with wide eyes.

"I know, right?" Adam laughed. "It felt like we were old at the time, but thinking about it now, gives me the shakes!"

"Well, I now know everything there is to know about being a rancher's wife." Caroline said stepping out on the porch and sitting on the bench next to Brian, who put an arm around her.

"That's good." Brian said. "What did Marlene tell you anyway?"

"Oh, just a few stories about your childhood. Pink? I can't imagine you wearing pink, Brian." She took the beer out of his hand and took a sip.

"It was a phase I was going through." He said blushing. "'Sides I look very handsome in pink."

"We got pictures." Guthrie said cheerfully. "Wanna see 'em?"

"Maybe later." Caroline said laughing. She turned to Hannah. "I've heard the story a hundred times and I still don't believe it! What on earth were you thinking, Adam? You drove her out here and then mentioned you had six brothers living with you?"

"No." Hannah said. "He drove me out here, and then I _saw_ his six brothers. He _never _mentioned them."

"I did too. I told you on our first date I had six brothers." Adam protested.

"Yes, and I pictured them all living in their own homes." She said nudging his shoulder. "_Not_ with me."

"Weren't you just complaining the other day about how quiet the house is? How much you miss all the boys?" He asked with raised eyebrow.

"It's true." She said with a laugh. "With Ford at school, Evan on the road, and it looks like Daniel's gonna tour with that band, the house seems empty. And now Crane's moving up the road to that little house behind Elizabeth's parents." She sighed, and reached out to squeeze Guthrie's hand. "Not to mention this one going off to the big city, I don't know how I'll manage." Her brown eyes welled with tears.

"Hannah! I'm not leaving for a while, yet!" Guthrie said. "Are you crying? You are such a girl, sometimes!"

"I can't help it. I can't imagine you so far away." She wiped at her cheek.

"She's crying." Guthrie shook his head.

"Oh, leave her be, Guth. She's got her reasons." He kissed her forehead. "Now?" He asked her.

"I suppose." She sighed.

"This little one's gonna be a big sister." Adam said with a grin.

"Adam!" Brian clapped his hands in surprise. "You've got no self-control! Kate's barely seven months old!"

"Well . . ." Adam shrugged. "Hannah's awfully pretty." He squeezed his wife's arm as she blushed.

"She is." Brian agreed and rising, gave his sister-in-law a kiss. "Congratulations, Sis."

"That's wonderful." Caroline said smiling. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, tired." Hannah said. "And very happy." She turned to Guthrie. "What do you think?"

"It's probably gonna be another girl." He sighed. "I like sisters, I guess, but I'm used to brothers."

"You are a bit old to be fussing over girls. You still think they've got cooties or something?" Brian asked him.

"Get a grip, Brian." Guthrie shot his brother a withering look. "No, I like Kate now. She's little and sweet, but someday she's gonna grow up and she'll be just as pretty as Hannah." He sighed. "I don't like the idea of some boy looking at her."

"Amen, little brother!" Adam agreed. He lifted his daughter, who had fallen asleep in her mother's arms, and held her close. "I half wish she were funny looking. A pretty daughter is a tough cross to bear." He sighed, and looking up at Guthrie said, "It's worse than you think, Guth. We are having twins! It could be _two _more girls!"

"Twins!" Caroline said in surprise. "Marlene said McFadden boys weren't fond of half-measures!"

"Hannah McFadden!" Brian said shocked. "You are a wonder!"

"Damn straight!" Adam agreed giving his teary-eyed wife a kiss.

***7***

As evening fell, he took Caroline by the hand and led her out just past the barn. She stood with the fields behind her studying the frame of their house, which he had been working on night and day; his brothers at his side.

"You sure you don't want to stay in Sonora?" He asked her.

"Sick of working on it?" She asked.

"Nope. I just hate to think of you on the roads and ranch life isn't for everyone."

"I like to drive." She said smiling. "And ranch life is for me. I'm gonna be a McFadden." She smiled at him and kissed her until all the stars appeared.

Later, after he'd taken her home, he found Adam alone on the porch.

"Waiting up, Dad?" He asked laughing.

"No. Just enjoying the quiet." Adam said.

"Hannah in bed?" Brian asked.

"Worn out." Adam nodded.

"Crane married." Brian said in wonder. "It's hard to believe. Remember the way he used to read all those books to us?"

"_Modern Ranching, The Rural Businessman_ and _How to Expand Your Fortune_." Adam said laughing. "He was such a serious kid."

"I thought they'd never get married. Remember that fight they had last year! God, he was heartbroken."

"I figured it was over. But you know Crane, he's pretty tenacious." Adam said.

"I like her. She's sweet to him. I just hope she busts out of that shell. She's so quiet she makes me nervous."

"She's shy." Adam agreed.

"She won't be flipping any tables over on us." Brian turned toward his brother with a wink.

"Well, we can't all be Hannah Joy McFadden."

"Only one of her." Brian agreed. He sighed looking out into the darkness at the Circle Bar Seven. "We've come a long way, you and me."

"We have that." Adam agreed. "I wonder what Dad and Mom would say. You think they are watching?"

"I do." Brian said. "I think they watch over us, at least, that's what I hope."

"Me too." Adam sighed and settled back on the bench where he sat beside Brian. "They'd love Hannah, Elizabeth and Caroline. How Mom would've loved having all the women around!"

"Yeah, and she would go nuts over that little Kate! Grandma! Can you imagine her smile?"

"I can." Adam sighed sadly. "Sometimes I really wish . . ."

Brian reached out and squeezed Adam's shoulder, "Me, too." He glanced over at Adam. "You should go on upstairs to that sweet wife of yours. Don't sit down here brooding over the past."

"I know." Adam agreed. "We sure tried hard, didn't we?"

"We did." Brian agreed. "And you know what Adam? We did a damn fine job! We raised those boys to be good men."

Adam turned his head his eyes shiny with emotion. "You think so?"

"Yeah." Brian said with a laugh, surprised that his relentless older brother could be so unsure; so vulnerable. "They'd be proud of us. They _are_ proud of us. We did great." He rose. "You did a great job, Adam."

"No, not me." Adam responded. "_We_ did great. I couldn't have done it without you, Brian. _You_ know that. You are probably the only one who truly understands how much I depended on you."

"Go on, and kiss your wife.' Brian said pulling Adam up off the bench. "Weddings make you sappy."

"I'm not sappy. I'm a tough guy; a cattle rancher." Adam protested.

"You are a hopeless sap, and you know it, Junior. Weddings, graduations, school picnics, first day of school - if we just talk about it, you tear up." Brian said laughing.

"I'm a modern man." Adam said with a shrug.

"Go on." Brian said giving Adam a push, but Adam resisted, and instead turned and embraced his brother.

"Thanks for everything, Bri. I mean it. Thanks."

"Oh God! Knock it off! How many beers did you have? I swear to God if you kiss me, I'm gonna slug you." Brian said trying to wriggle free.

"I love you, man." Adam teased. "I love you Bri!" He kissed his brother's cheek, laughing.

"You need serious help, McFadden." Brian said wiping his cheek with his hand. "If I want kissing, I'll go find Caroline."

"Not good enough for you anymore?" Adam asked with a wink. "I'm gonna go find that wife of mine. Night, Bri."

"Night, Junior." Brian said shaking his head, as his oldest brother disappeared inside the house.

He stood on the porch a minute longer flooded with a thousand memories of standing in this spot. He could remember all the times, he'd stood here beside his father, or running up the steps to fall into his mother's embrace. He could remember all the evenings he and Adam had sat outside trying to manage the daily struggles of raising their brothers, or stepping out onto the porch and seeing Hannah for the very first time. It was in this very spot that he had proposed to Caroline, his brothers all around him. He thought of all the days and nights he had mourned his fate, struggling with the weight of responsibilities that he and Adam had been handed so young. He had spent so many days wishing he could run away from it; be free of the weight. He used to spend hours dreaming that they were still alive; dreaming of a different life. He couldn't imagine a different life now.

He could hear the soft lowing of cattle in the distance. It was late, and he would have to be up early in the morning. Wedding or not, there was plenty of work to do, and animals were no respecter of a man's need to sleep. He climbed the stairs, passing the pictures of his brothers, his parents, his niece. Soon, his own wedding picture would hang on this same wall, and later the pictures of his children. He passed Adam's room and could hear Hannah's soft voice, echoed by Adam's low rumble. He paused at the room that Crane and Daniel had shared, now occupied by Daniel and Evan who'd come home for the wedding. He gazed in at his sleeping brothers who seemed younger asleep. He went into the room that held Ford, and Guthrie, seeing that Guthrie had opted for the floor to make room for him. He smiled down at his youngest, missing the days when the boy was a toddler who refused to sleep alone. He sat down on the bed, slipping off his boots and climbed into bed. He closed his eyes and dreamed, but not of the past; he dreamed of the future with his beautiful blond-haired wife, and the sons they would raise who would work the land just as he had, when he was a small boy still clinging to his father's hand.

The End


End file.
